Debut or Die

“Come on, smile~”

The sound of the shutter rang out. Sitting on the pool, Testar smiled at the camera with their arms around each shoulder.

Of course, I was included there.

“The picture looks good. You’ve worked hard~”

“Thank you!”

Since we came all the way to the US, we were filming a summer package.

It was the one that combined pictorial and simple reality video content together.

And in this video content, a roommate was assigned under the request of the production team to ‘film a combination that was rarely seen’.

This meant that Park Moondae and Ryu Chungwoo ended up sharing the same room.

Ah, it just had to happen now.

“Moondae, towel.”

“…Yes.”

I snatched the towel and wiped my neck.

My stomach churned.

‘Whoo.’

I tried to restrain myself as much as possible, but I didn’t know if this would be caught on camera or not.

‘…Damn it.’

I knew.

It wasn’t Ryu Chungwoo’s fault.

But what should I do when I keep being reminded of that sh*t? Every time I saw him… I remembered.

Thanks to this, the roommate content was completely ruined. We couldn’t even have a proper conversation in the room.

This was my limit.

I just hoped there were no rumors of discord going around. For now… Only for now, if I went back to Korea and fall back a little, I would get better.

‘…I’m going crazy.’

As soon as the break time was announced, I got up from my seat.

It seemed they were going to make their roommates ride some water slide in a little while, so I was going to stay away from them.

But a tail stuck to me again.

“H-Hey…”

“What.”

“T-This.”

Seon Ahyeon, who followed me, held out a take-out cup. There was a steaming drink in it.

Seeing that he had a cup in his hand, it must have been handed out by the staff.

“…”

I accepted the cup. If I didn’t, he would continue talking.

Seon Ahyeon didn’t leave even after giving me a drink and he sat down on the obscure street.

But instead of talking to me, he sipped his drink while sneakily glancing at me.

It was quiet.

“…”

I lost strength in my shoulders.

As I sat on the flower bed, I brought the hot drink to my mouth.

‘It’s hot chocolate.’

It was terrible.

* * *

After riding a water slide across a shark aquarium, we proceeded with the content of gathering and exchanging questions.

It was bearable.

“Great~ Then I’ll pick a question!”

Keun Sejin laughed and picked a question out of the box.

“Hmm, ‘the member I’ve become closest to recently’, I can get a lot of votes with this. It’s me! Because I am naturally a friendly member~”

Let’s get this over with.

“For me, it’s Lee Sejin.”

“Gasp! Moondae, you rely on me a lot these days? It’s so touching! I’ll pick Moondae, too~”

Keun Sejin, who immediately changed his posture, smiled and patted my back.

“Now, what about our Eugene?”

“It’s Bae Sejin hyung! I like my roommate.”

They moved on to the next person right away, so I didn’t have to talk anymore. I answered in a somewhat funny way so it wouldn’t look strange.

“Hahaha, is it me again?”

The laughter and chatter continued for a long time.

After a few questions passed by… towards the end.

The last question came out.

“This is the last question card.’What was a difficult life experience that you overcame?’. Well, it sounds like a question that can come up with a lot of examples.”

“…Ah~ Isn’t this too gloomy to be the last question? How about a chance to pick one more?”

“…? I think it’s great and meaningful!”

With Kim Raebin’s answer, the question resumed.

…Starting with Ryu Chungwoo.

“Hmm, an experience that I overcame. Actually, the reason I quit archery… It wasn’t out of my own will. When I was young, I was in a car accident during a family trip.”

Stop.

“It was because of the aftereffects from that time.”

…No, I’m filming. Let’s think about something else.

“But now, being able to meet you and make a debut and do activities like this, I can just accept the turning point in my life. Thanks, guys. Thank you, Loviewer!”

“Great!”

“…Is it okay to talk about this?”

“Haha, I think it’s my first time talking about this in front of the camera, but I said it knowing that the fans are going to see it.”

“Oh, Chungwoo hyung’s experience is too much~ Shall we just surrender and choose a new one? Eugene has to pick one, too!”

“Let me pick!”

I felt like throwing up.

“…Park Moondae!”

“Wait. Bathroom.”

I got off the sofa and left the room full of lights. I ran down the connected dark hallway and went into the bathroom.

“Urgh.”

Fortunately, nothing came up to my throat. No, it wasn’t a good thing. If I focused on my actions, I could stop thinking…

“Shut up.”

I turned on the water in the sink and crashed my head.

The cold water felt nice.

“…Moondae!”

“Moondae-ssi, are you okay?”

“Hyung!”

I heard some people calling outside. It was fortunate that it was self-produced content. If it was a regular broadcast, it couldn’t be fixed.

‘I have to go.’

But I couldn’t lift my head. A little longer… Just a little bit more…

“Stop.”

I lifted my head out of the water.

And after roughly wiping off the water, I opened the bathroom door.

A few staff and members were standing outside the door.

“…I’m sorry. I feel a little sick.”

“No, are you all right? Can you shoot now?”

“…Yes.”

Keun Sejin stepped in.

“Park Moondae. They said it’s okay to postpone the shooting here a little bit. If you need some rest…”

“It’s the same anyway. Just do it.”

After wiping off the rest of the water, I continued shooting.

And this time it was finished without any major problems.

“See you again, Loviewer!”

But I realized.

That this was going to be a big fuck*ng deal.

‘I need to come up with measures.’

In the evening, the full-scale shooting was finished.

Instead of going back to Ryu Chungwoo’s room, I went to the garden behind the hotel to sort out my situation.

For now, my condition was definitely PTSD. There was no room for further discussion.

The problem was, I thought this would subside over time, but now that it had reached this point, I was skeptical about how long it would take until then.

‘…There’s no answer.’

If it took me more than two or three months to recover, there would be problems with future Testar activities.

Then I could only hope that it would be possible for me to restart if I died from the status abnormality.

‘… The fact that I think it’ll be okay even if it’s all over is a problem.’

It was clear what had happened to my mind. I sighed.

Ring-

At that moment, the smartphone I put in my pocket vibrated.

When I took it out and checked, there was a call coming from an unexpected name.

[VTIC Cheongryeo sunbae-nim]

It was Cheongryeo.

“… Sigh.”

Normally, I just wouldn’t take it. But for now, I had to.

I couldn’t help but wanted to ask if he’d ever received a sh*t compensation for a status abnormality like this.

“…Hello.”

When I answered the phone, a slightly puzzled voice responded.

– Hmm, I didn’t expect you to answer right away.

“Yes. What’s the matter?”

– It’s been a while since I contacted you, don’t be so… Are you doing well?

“If you don’t have any business, I’ll start with mine.”

– Haha, yes.

“Have you ever seen anything like an illusion?”

-…Illusion?

“During the mission.”

-…

There was no words from the other side of the phone for a while, then I heard an answer.

– Ah, you have some problem.

“…!”

– Record? Company? No, I don’t think so… Is it something more uncontrollable? Then, relationship?

“…”

– It’s relationship.

What’s with this bastard.

– Sounds like a stressful situation, hm… I have an advice but If I say it, you’ll only get more stressed.

He must have thought I was seeing an illusion because of the stress.

In that case, this bastard had never received any compensation for the status abnormality.

“Say it.”

– Really?

Yeah. I didn’t think I would care about anything I heard from this guy now anyway.

Let’s talk about restarting.

Then I heard his calm voice over the phone.

– You don’t have to be stressed.

“…”

– If you go back to the beginning anyway, the emotional exhaustion you have now doesn’t mean anything. I’d just… I’d leave it out next time. I thought like that…

“…”

– It’s going to disappear anyway.

…It’s going to disappear.

For the first time, I made a clear assumption.

Let’s say I could really go back.

Let’s assume that if I also failed, I would go back to the 20-year-old Park Moondae’s birthday.

So, until now, 22-year-old Park Moondae had never happened and was trying to make it again from scratch.

Having done it once, I would definitely take it easy. If I took a lottery number with me, I could live in a secure place from the beginning.

And I could do better from the start. I already knew.

Avoiding all the tiring and embarrassing things that had happened from the first filming of <Idol Inc> to after the debut, and to create a group with a better number of people…

‘No.’

…I didn’t want to.

It was funny, but even if it was how I overcame all status abnormalities…

I didn’t think I would like it more than I did now.

The hardships and troubles, all the things I had made with these snotty brats… I’d come to think of them as my achievements.

And even if it was made again, it could never mean the same thing as it was now.

Of course, things were a bit of a mess right now. Still, because of this, it wasn’t right to give up now.

My mind had cleared up a bit.

I opened my mouth.

“It could disappear, so I’ll have to try harder.”

-…That.

“Thank you for your advice, sunbae-nim.”

– You’ll regret it.

“Well, I guess. Who would just sit back and not doing anything? Then I’ll go in now.”

I hung up.

And I thought.

‘This bastard is helpful too.’

Surprisingly, my rationality, which had left its spot, seemed to have returned because of the phone call with Cheongryeo.

Then, let’s objectively find the best option for the current situation.

If I didn’t see any signs of recovery… There was only one answer.

‘Suspension of activities due to health problems.’

Talking from experience, if I took medicine and lived in seclusion by myself for about a month, I would feel better. This was better than the group’s discord.

If the company refused, well… I had no choice but to put up with the rumors of discord.

If I explained to others that I might become a psychopath if I saw Ryu Chungwoo’s face, they would eliminate the point of contact between Park Moondae and Ryu Chungwoo as much as possible.

We would be uncomfortable with each other, but it was the company’s fault for holding on to the guy who was trying to recuperate, so I’d just tell them to send their complaints to the company.

Still, I wanted to do as little damage as possible, so I hoped the company accepted my suspension of activities.

‘This far.’

I left the garden and returned to my room.

Now that I’d calmed down a bit, I thought it would be possible to say hello to him.

‘I will endure it somehow until this summer package shoot is over.’

There was no other choice. After all, when I would leave tomorrow, I just needed to pick the ending cut.

If I could hold it in.

However, when I opened the door and entered, I saw an unexpected sight.

“…You’re here?”

Ryu Chungwoo was sitting on a chair with bottles of wine overflowing on top of the table.

“…”

I slowly backed out to the door and closed it…

“I took all the cameras. You can drink.”

“…”

At that moment, I realized that I was desperate for a drink.

‘Damn it.’

I knew it wasn’t good for me to drink in this situation. But…

“Here.”

I reached out for the bottle. And plucked off the cap.

I brought it to my mouth.

It was only then that I realized that my mouth was trembling. There was the sound of teeth clicking against the opening of the bottle.

“…”

I turned around and continued to pour the drink down my throat.

I didn’t think of anything.

Then, I heard a voice.

“You’re holding back something from me.”

“…”

“You’re just holding back because you’re afraid that things will end up in an irreversible state while you try to hold it in. Am I right?”

I heard the sound of carbonic acid leaking.

“Just tell me. I don’t get hurt by this kind of thing.”

Even if I tell you about that sh*t, you won’t understand.

This… This was not a situation that could be understood by common sense.

It wasn’t even this guy’s fault.

Seeing as I hadn’t even known this guy’s name in the first place, he was a distant relative I didn’t know much about. The Pungsan Ryu clan must have done a lot of things together, so they went out together.

‘And since their kid was in such a big accident, his parents wouldn’t have time to worry about other things, that’s why, I mean, at the funeral, I didn’t see them…’

I put the drink back in my throat.

F*ck, I couldn’t stand it.

I picked up a new bottle. I heard the calm voice again.

“…Great. Then speak only as far as you can tolerate. I won’t tell anyone.”

“…”

“Whether it’s to the company or a hospital, I won’t even say a word.”

At that moment, unthinkable words popped out of my mouth.

“Because I’m jealous.”

“?”

“I’m jealous.”

And as I spoke, I realized at the same time.

I was jealous of this bastard.

If I went on the trip that day and got hurt like Ryu Chungwoo, I hoped my parents wouldn’t go to that damn pension because they would be with me in the ambulance

It wasn’t just because I was reminded of the accident, but this bastard was also annoying.

Seeing him talk about the greatest luck in his life as if was a bad experience made my stomach twist.

“Your parents are fine and you live doing everything you want to do… I am jealous.”

“…!”

I put down my finished drink and took a deep breath.

I had been saying all kinds of crazy stuff…Strangely enough, I felt refreshed

Ryu Chungwoo didn’t answer for a long time.

And after a while, he handed me another bottle of wine.

“Did you remember it when you were asleep?”

“What?”

“I heard it from Raebin. It sounds like you were recalling your old memories while sleeping.”

“…”

“I brought up the side-effects from a traffic accident… I must have sounded full of myself.”

…It seemed they misunderstood that the parents of ‘Park Moondae’ had died in a car accident.

He must have felt like he was whining about the aftereffects of a car accident in front of a guy whose parents had died in a car accident.

…Similarly, it was like that.

“I’m sorry for saying that.”

“You don’t have to apologize.”

“Still, it feels good to listen to an apology. Look, it’s been a while since I talked to you.”

“…”

“Moondae… It’s okay to talk about this comfortably.”

Ry Chungwoo opened another bottle.

“Human, in the face of fear and pain… They usually get angry and blame others, but it’s okay.”

“…”

“I was just like that when I quit archery. Maybe there wasn’t such a truth.”

Ryu Chungwoo smiled faintly.

“But you don’t look like you can even do that. It’s fine, you can do it now. How can a person live rationally every time?”

“…”

I put the bottle down.

My hand trembled a little.

“…I didn’t want to live a hard life.”

I thought I was doing pretty well.

Until I graduated from high school, I received support here and there, and I was able to save living expenses somehow because I was good with my hands.

I thought it wasn’t that bad, in fact, there wasn’t anything special, so I endured it, but I guess I really hated it.

“But I can’t live like that, so I feel like sh*t.”

“…Right.”

“It’s a little too much.”

I opened another bottle.

I thought it would be uncomfortable between us after saying this, but it surprisingly turned out okay.

I didn’t know if it was because of the alcohol, but… Anyway, it turned out like this for now.

I quenched my throat slowly.

I wasn’t sure because I was drunk, but after that, it sounded like I just lined up words and sentences without any context.

Ryu Chungwoo didn’t intervene in particular, but he reacted occasionally.

Then he finally brought it up.

“I decided not to talk about the hospital, but…Still, it would be better to get counseling when you go back to Korea. With Ahyeon.”

“…”

“I’m saying this not because you look crazy, but it’s because you look tired.”

“Okay.”

“I got a lot of money, too, so I’ll spend some for you.”

“Okay.”

I swallowed a drink.

“But it’s still hard to look at you.”

Ryu Chungwoo looked bewildered for a moment, then laughed out loud for the first time.

“Haha, let’s take it slow. It’s not like we won’t see each other for a month or two, so it’s okay to spend some time away from each other.”

“…Okay.”

It was true.

“However, Moondae. Use some honorifics. You’re talking informally all of a sudden.”

“…!”

I had completely forgotten…

I kept drinking, resuming the honorifics as requested.

The conversation went a bit off track and we didn’t sit face to face, but it wasn’t that uncomfortable.

I found out the next day that the bottles were part of room service and were charged crazy prices, but it wasn’t such a waste.

And after returning to Korea, fortunately, a new schedule was waiting for me to spend time alone in between schedules.

It was a solo appearance that I had been putting off due to the visit to the US.