I'm Really a Superstar

With a short opening and a few short passages, Zhang Ye and Yao Jiancai's performance shocked everyone, catching them all unprepared. It was easy to explain Yao Jiancai, since he was once a professional crosstalk performer.

But for Zhang Ye?

He was a genuine layman!

The art of crosstalk had a low barrier to enter. As long as you had a mouth, you could perform it. However, to enter into this field was extremely difficult. It could absolutely not be performed well without several years to over a dozen years of practice and training. Although Zhang Ye had hosted a talk show, the basic form of a talk show was merely to set a topic, and then chat and joke about it. All kinds of joke segments could be thrown in, and could even involve guests and images, not needing to follow continuity or logic. As long as all the sketches revolved and were put together around the central topic, everything would be fine. However, this wasn’t the case with crosstalk. The difficulty of crosstalk was exactly this. There were only two individuals and two fleshly throats. You could only use language to completely display characters, scenes, and circumstances. It was not something that could be casually assembled using random bits of funny joke segments.

Okay!

Hey!

Ai!

Sigh!

Just the using these few words properly required several years of training.

The art of crosstalk was something completely different from other domains!

And yet what Zhang Ye displayed was an unexpected serious and professional leading comic crosstalk performer. How could this not cause everyone to be taken aback?

When he did learn this?

He really f**king knew how to perform crosstalk too??

Many people that had previously believed that Zhang Ye was an amateur who came to cause trouble, but now, everyone’s concerns were left in their throats, choked up. Zhang Ye had used actual action to slap their faces!

"Old Tang? This..." Tang Dazhang's junior brother asked.

Tang Dazhang's face was expressionless, "It has only just begun. A crosstalk work is taken as a whole. An opening doesn't say much. Let's continue watching. There will definitely be mistakes."

His junior brother agreed, "That's true. The subject of the work hasn't even been revealed yet."

......

On-stage.

Zhang Ye could not hear their soft discussions.

Yao Jiancai said, "Don't keep talking about me. Since you are done introducing me, it's about time you introduce yourself."

Zhang Ye in a showy manner, "Do I need introducing? I am not like you crosstalk actors. Look at my character." He patted himself on his chest. "Look at my temperament, I.." He then suddenly stretched out his hand and indecently lifted his pants with an exaggerated motion. "I'm a writer! Can't you tell?"

"Hahaha!"

There was a female spectator who laughed heartily, clapping a hand against her lap, "Oh my!"

Yao Jiancai remained silent as he stared at him, "I really can't tell. Does a writer behave in such a manner? Why did you lift your pants? Moreover, this appellation isn't self-acknowledged!"

Zhang Ye smiled and replied, "Teacher Yao is once again criticizing me and pointing out my mistakes. Eh, my interactions with Teacher Yao...He is my teacher. Under normal circumstances, if there's anything I don't understand, I am willing to ask Teacher Yao for guidance."

Yao Jiancai replied, "You're flattering me."

Zhang Ye: "You probably don't know, but Teacher Yao is particularly fashionable. He understands more about high-tech things than I do. For example, at present, Weibo is extremely popular."

Yao Jiancai said to the audience, "That's right, I began to use it rather early on."

Zhang Ye: "A few years earlier, when Weibo just came out, we didn't know what it was and whether it would be useful. However, Teacher Yao used concrete actions to tell us that Weibo is really useful. Just that time, after Teacher Yao finished filming, while he was resting with his production crew at the back, he whipped out his phone to look through Weibo happily. He placed the cigarette that he was smoking on the table. When he turned back to look at it after awhile, he realized that the cigarette was gone. He didn't know who took it."

Yao Jiancai nodded while smiling, "My friends from the production crew tend to crack jokes with me."

Zhang Ye said, "Teacher Yao wasn't anxious or mad. Actually, he knew who took it. Everyone was just joking around. Thus, Teacher Yao sent a message on Weibo—Just because I don't say it doesn't mean I don't know."

Yao Jiancai replied, "Hehe, I was just messing with him."

Zhang Ye said with a twist, "After ten minutes, his wife sent a short message—Sorry."

When the punchline was delivered, the entire crowd erupted into laughter!

"Aiyah!"

"Hahahaha!"

"I'm sorry? Pu!"

"Aiyo. I am getting cramps from laughing!"

Yao Jiancai rolled his eyes, "Wasn't that great, that one Weibo message of mine cracked such a big case! Is Weibo useful only for this?"

Zhang Ye continued in a dead panner manner. "This is the importance of Weibo. A few years back, there was something very popular as well. What do we do if we want to read what Teacher Yao wrote? We go on Teacher Yao's prostitution. (piao ke)"

"Hey, wait a moment!" Yao Jiancai exclaimed, "It's called a blog (bo ke)!"

Zhang Ye replies: "Yes, blog. On there, a lot of people... ordered (clicked on) him."

Yao Jiancai curled his lips and said, "Then you can tell them that I won't be coming out for them."

In the midst of the laughter of the crowd, Zhang Ye blinked. "Then how are you going to make a living?"

Yao Jiancai stared at him, "I was making a living out of this?"

Zhang Ye responded, "What is that? Ordering you (dian ni)."

Yao Jiancai flabbergasted, "What do you mean ordering me! It is called click views (dian ji)!"

"Oh!" Zhang Ye exclaimed in realization and said, "This is the first time I know that ordering you (dian ni)… means ordering chicken (dian ji, prostitution)?"

After hearing this, the audience was momentarily stunned before bursting into laughter!

Yao Jiancai was enraged. "How can your mind be so twisted! It’s the click rate (Jí lǜ)!"

Zhang Ye: "You even turned green (lǜ)?"*

Some audience couldn't take the laughter anymore. "Hahahaha!"

Yao Jian Cai said, "Hey! No one thinks that way!"

Zhang Ye responded, "That's what I meant. Anyway, Teacher Yao is much more fashionable than the rest of us. He also gets along better than us. A few years back, when I was still in school and struggling for money, Teacher Yao was already the spokesperson for a company, serving as the poop (dabian) for their product!"

The audience burst into laughter again!

Yao Jiancai hurriedly corrected him. "What poop (dabian)?! It is spokesperson (dashi)!"

"Oh…" Zhang Ye said in confusion. "What is the difference? Was what I said wrong? Poop (dabian)? Shit (dashi)? Are you talking about its texture in the mouth or sensation of touching?

Yao Jiancai howled, "Why are you so disgusting?! Do you have to talk like that?!"

Zhang Ye shrugged and said, "Alright, let's just put it that way. Anyway, Teacher Yao is really incredible. He shot a commercial, a drama, and even starred in a movie."

Yao Jiancai nodded his head. "Indeed, I was featured in a few."

Zhang Ye grabbed his forefinger and said, "Teacher Yao's first movie, that movie was called… called… right, it was called 'The Widow'!"

Yao Jiancai asked in confusion: "The widow? I played the widow?"

Zhang Ye: "No, you are the husband of the widow."

Yao Jiancai: "I'm dead?"

Zhang Ye answered, "This movie illustrated how a widow, after the death of her husband, strived hard in life and how she pushed forward. It was a very inspirational movie!"

Yao Jiancai stared at Zhang Ye with widened eyes. "I am not in the movie!?"

Zhang Ye answered, "You are. Without you, how would she able to become a widow? You were in the very first scene of the movie, at the graveyard." He illustrated with his fingers. "On top the tomb, your photo was placed there."

Yao Jiancai, "........."

The audience laughed without any restraint!

Zhang Ye looked at the crowd, "That was Teacher Yao's first movie. Un, he was even more incredible in the second movie. Teacher Yao was the male lead!"

Yao Jiancai delightfully replied, "Male lead?"

Zhang Ye said: "Yes, this movie was called 'Millstone'. It depicted how the protagonist pulled a millstone to explore the world!"

Yao Jiancai asked in a dumbfounded manner, "Pulling a millstone? I was playing a donkey?! Then, what kind of world was I exploring!? Wouldn't I just be turning in circles!"**

The audience burst into laughter, "Aiyohahaha!"

Zhang Ye said, "The movie which Teacher Yao became famous for was actually the third one, 'Zhang Ergou Becomes Brutal and Kills His Father in a Most Urgent Tragic Tale'!"

Yao Jiancai replied, "Woah, that name is really long."

Zhang Ye: "They needed two cinema screens in order to display this title horizontally. Zhang Ergou was a bad child. After killing his father, he chopped him up and incinerated him in flames. Afterwards, when the police investigated the case, Teacher Yao's first appearance was when the coffin was opened."

Yao Jiancai questioned, "So I am still playing as a dead person? Furthermore, in many pieces this time?"

Zhang Ye answered, "It's still okay. Your next of kin was still able to recognize you by your legs."

The female judge covered her face as she giggled non-stop.

The male judge couldn't resist flashing a smile. However, he retracted his smile quickly.

Zhang Ye: "The fourth movie was a huge production. There was a thriller horror movie over at Hong Kong named 'Dumpling' and they invited Teacher Yao to make an appearance."

Yao Jiancai remarked happily, "Finally, a big production."

Zhang Ye illustrated wildly with his hands as he said, "This movie depicted how a murderer made dumplings out of the people he killed. Teacher Yao was playing the role of the 'filling'."

Yao Jiancai replied, "Alright! Looks like even my legs were ground down this time!"

Zhang Ye gave him a thumbs up, "Incredible."

Yao Jiancai said, "What's so incredible about that? I became only minced meat!"

Some of faces of the audience were tired from laughing as their cheeks began to hurt!

Zhang Ye: "We should learn from you and respect you. You are our role model. Just like how the saying goes, there is a mountain beyond a mountain, a brothel beyond a building!"

Yao Jiancai stopped him, "That's not it! That's incorrect! You keep saying the wrong words. It is ‘there is a mountain beyond a mountain, a building beyond a building'!

Zhang Ye stared at him. "Brothel beyond a building?"

Yao Jiancai answered, "Why do you keep talking about brothels! Do you often go there? It is building beyond a building."

Zhang Ye nodded his head. "There is a mountain beyond a mountain, a building beyond a building. A capable person has someone screwing him from behind!"***

Screwing (neng)—This was a slang in Beijing, as well as a phrase from the northern regions with the same meaning as 'doing'.

Yao Jiancai interrupted, "Capable person (you neng ren)!"

"Screw (neng)!" Zhang Ye followed suit.

The hands of the cameraman responsible for the filming shook as he tried to suppress his laughter!

Yao Jiancai shouted, "Who are you screwing (neng)! It is capable person (neng ren)! With this kind of standard, you still dare to claim that you are an academic? What kind of academic are you? Do you research such stuff everyday?"

Zhang Ye: "I also research other things as well, such as the art of crosstalking."

Yao Jiancai nodded in approval: "It is good to research that."

Zhang Ye said, "Crosstalking is a simple form of art, as well as a profound one. It is simple because anyone can do it as long as they have a mouth. However, it isn't easy to do it well. For example, the addition of some cushioning words and empty words can change the tone. There are many things that one has to take note of, as well as many things to research about. Let me give you an example, ‘You came, huh? Hurry up ok, uh’ sit down, ah’ drink some water, o’ goodbye. With a cushioning word, it gives the speech an amiable tone, otherwise, it would sound out of place." He suddenly shouted hoarsely: "You came! Sit down! Drink water! Goodbye!"

Yao Jiancai exclaimed in shock, "You will scare the person to death!"

Zhang Ye carried on. "For example, there are some females who like to put the empty words in front. When they meet an acquaintance outside, they would greet them, ‘Yo, auntie, what are you doing ah'. It won't do if the empty word is placed at the back."

Yao Jiancai suggested,: "You give it a try?"

Zhang Ye imitated the speech of a woman: "Auntie, what are you doing… Ahyo!!!" The last syllable sounded like it was roared out.

Yao Jiancai rolled his eyes. "Lad, did someone step on your foot?"

Zhang Ye pointed to the floor and said, "The auntie fell into the drain."

"Hahaha!"

"Hahahaha!"

The entire room was filled with laughter!

Judges, audience, and even the program staff and cameramen of the show were amused. Some of the young ladies among the audience even had tears flowing out from their eyes from all the laughter!

Tang Dazhang's face darkened!

The three fellow brothers beside him didn't say anything. That was because they were at a loss for words!

This work had already surpassed everyone's expectations!

*Reference to 绿帽, (green hat) means being made a cuckoo of

**Donkeys were used to pull mills in the past. When you pull the mill, you are turning it in circles.

*** He means to say a capable person has a capable person behind his back. Capable person (nengren). He changes it into (ren neng) → person screwing, or person behind his back screwing.