Martial King's Retired Life

“****! ****! ****!”

I had to cover Red Prince’s mouth when he started reeling off cuss words in four different languages. “Shut up or I’ll shut you up.”

I let go when Red Prince tearfully nodded, only for him to blast, “What have you done to me?! How dare you hurt my dragon?! I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you! I’ll make you more dead than dead!”

Had I not restrained Red Prince with celestial spider silk, he would be strangling me. Sadly for him, I could sit back and have a sip of tea. “I was just kidding.”

“Huh?”

“Try squeezing your legs.”

Red Prince hesitantly shut his eyes to heighten his sense of touch and then opened them along with his thighs. “It seems… my manhood is still there.”

“Remember who I am?”

Young Shiyi would keep the two female constables present silent, while those with Red Prince didn’t get a clear view of me because Young Shiyi dragged me off fast. Hence, only Red Prince needed a sock in it.

“You’re the one who hit me!”

Bonus points for you.

I had added a few strands of beard, grey hair dye and lots of wrinkles to my face. As long as Red Prince remembered this appearance and put out wanted posters for the man with this appearance, I couldn’t care less if he put them up all over the Nine Provinces.

“Who are you?”

“You hit me when you don’t know who I am? I’m… I’ve got one hell of a backing.”

Good boy.

As long as he didn’t admit he was a Prince, my sentence would be reduced. I could see him thinking, “I’m a genius. If he knows I’m Prince, this scum of the martial world will demand a ransom.”

“I’m the son of the owner of dozens of buildings’ second chamberlain’s gardener!”

One hell of a backing my foot! You altered your background three times so that people wouldn’t mistake you for being rich! I hope your father finds out you called him a gardener!

Speaking of which, I finally know what sort of hereditary characteristics you Lis inherit now. His Majesty is always calling me his strategist, yet he hasn’t even paid me a peanut. Orange Prince had a mini treasure trove tucked away in his home, yet he requested the aid of League of Assassins whilst telling his men he didn’t have money. Princess Hongzhuang hardly spends money as a wanderer. Jingan never gave me a penny when I was her husband. Besides you Lis being annoying, you’re misers!

“And who are you? How dare you kidnap me, you outlaw?! Once I escape, I’ll come back with elite… elite cooks to cook you a bowl of noodles.”

“Extra large with extra garlic?”

Okay, I need to get back on script.

According to Young Shiyi’s script, I’m a reclusive adept who stepped in because Red Prince was bullying her and then am to show him my sense of justice here so that he feels ashamed of his actions.

Wearing a grin, I answered, “This old one is Zhong Ning, a wandering hero.”

“Zhong Ning… Isn’t that the name of the one four most notorious rapists?”

“Hoho, this old one saw you forcing yourself on a girl, huh?”

How did you know the name?! Director, how do I adlib this now? He knows who I am!

Young Shiyi already turned in because she trusted me.

Calm down. Calm down. Red Prince grew up behind the walls of the palace. He shouldn’t know much about the world outside. He must only know of Zhong Ning’s notoriety. I can salvage this.

“Zhong Ning is one of those who abetted Orange Prince’s insurrection and was arrested last year. His allies rescued him after he was castrated and has been missing since then. However, his reputation has continued to rise among martial artists ever since. Most notably, he infiltrated Jin Wangsun’s estate to thrash him and his allies. Zhong Ning was last mentioned in Huzhou.” Red Prince gave me a simper. “Correct?”

… Who you trying to be friendly with?! I’ll smack you back to your father! What are you? My fan?! How come you can recite my resume better than even me?!

“Haha, I heard it from story tellers. So… what did you kidnap me for?”

Ah, whatever. I just need to terrify this guy.

“This old one does as he wishes and does not follow rules. Today, he saw you on the mount-”

“It’s not like you to not kidnap the prettiest woman.” Right after his remark, Red Prince recalled I said, “This old one does as he wishes and does not follow rules” and freaked out. “D-don’t tell me liking women is just a cover…”

You’re freaking out for the wrong reason, young man!

“Rubbish. This old one has always and only loved women. Should he not defend a woman when you’re pushing her around?”

“What nonsense is that? She fights better than I do!”

I showed a disgusted face: “Your fault for swinging that sabre of yours again.”

“I wield a sword!”

“I don’t care. What’s your issue, pointing a sabre at a girl for?”

“It’s a sword! I only wield swords!”

“My bad. So, what’s your issue, pointing your sword between your legs at a lady for?”

“I wasn’t! I was duelling with her; it was an honourable duel.”

“Duel my foot. A grown man duelling with a girl? Have some shame.”

“I have nothing to say now that I am at your mercy. Do as you will with me.”

I like that you have more backbone than your brothers.

I got up and scoffed, “This old one doesn’t want you dirtying his hands. I don’t know the entire story, so you can suffer fifty canes each. Yes, I didn’t capture just you.” I pointed to the side of Red Prince.

Lying on the iron plate next to Red Prince was a teenage girl – Young Shiyi’s favourite Chu Yinghua.

“I shall question you two later.”

Chu Yinghua, who was dragged into the plan as part of Young Shiyi’s ploy, was supposed to befriend Red Prince as fellow captives and then find a way to escape together, eventually naming Zhong Ning the one responsible, not Liu Shan Men. Well, that was about to change since Red Prince didn’t perceive Zhong Ning to be affiliated with justice. Hence, I changed the script to kidnapping him for a ransom and Chu Yinghua to extort Liu Shan Men.

If hundreds of wanted posters for Zhong Ning really are plastered up, doesn’t that mean I can’t cast the blame on him again? That sucks.

Red Prince tried to roll over to call out to Chu Yinghua after I left the room. “Wake up! Hey! Hey! Wake up!”

No response from Chu Yinghua.

Young Shiyi told me Chu Yinghua is supposed to be innocent, so how is she good at acting?

“Hey, we’re in danger! Wake up!”

Wake… up?

I peeked through the secret door to see drool coming out the mouth of Chu Yinghua, who was asleep before I started intimidating Red Prince.

“Ahaha, chicken thighs… duck thighs are also good. Feed me, Sister…”

She’s actually sleeping?! I can forgive you for making Young Shiyi feed you, but I’ll have you know that all the duck thighs at Liu Shan Men are mine!

I used Voice Transmission to scream into Chu Yinghua’s head, waking her up.

Elated, Red Prince hollered, “Hey, you… you… you… you…”

Yes, hit on her. Hit on her, son!

“You… You…”

Come on, don’t waste that handsome face!

“You… I…”

Yes, one more push. Come on.

As soon as Chu Yinghua looked over, Red Prince turned away.

Say something, you flipping sabre-wielding wuss! Why are you so shy when you just have to talk to a girl?! You a virgin?! Having a brand new, untouched weapon down there isn’t anything to brag about!

Thankfully, Chu Yinghua wasn’t shy around him. She asked, “Eh? Your purification operation done?”

Note

A tonne of jokes are missed out in this chapter because of the homophones used. I won’t list them all because there are multiple, the sword and scoundrel one being another repeat.

Glossary

Purification – in this context, it means castration. It takes on a different meaning if used for a lady