Martial King's Retired Life

Barking Up the Wrong Tree – Finding His Own Trap Hilarious

The prime minister didn't say anything to me after the morning conference. He got into his litter. I opened the curtain and asked, "Prime Minister, where are we heading?'

The prime minister opened an eye and fumed, "What insolence. Why are you not calling me 'teacher'? Are you disobeying His Majesty's edict?"

"I am showing you respect," I explained while touching my nose. "Without your permission, I would not dare to address the leader of the imperial court in such an intimate manner."

The prime minister looked at me out the corner of his eye: "So, you respect me? Does this old one need to thank you?"

"Absolutely not. This humble one does not desire promotions. If you do not mind treating this humble one to a meal somewhere, then this one would be sincerely grateful."

"You little…!" The prime minister blew his beard but was gleeful: "Hahaha, your weird demeanour is the identical to your patriarch! Whatever, this old one isn't going to waste time with you and your hijinks. His Majesty is only interested in developing the two runts. This old one will return your freedom to you once the case is solved. We can skip the pleasantries."

The prime minister was very laid back; he didn't seem bothered despite me offending him at Eight Deities Tavern. But, uh… about that case…

I remember His Majesty gave us three cases; nevertheless, the prime minister had yet to open the accordion. The prime minister sounded as though he knew what the contents were. I folded my arms and deliberated. The ministers back in the conference room didn't appear to know what the contents were. As only the prime minister knew, he must've hashed it out with His Majesty already. Ignoring me, the prime minister waved his hand: "Head to Dongpo Restaurant."

"Hmm?! Prime minister, this one is absolutely an upright and honest individual. This one is not that easy. Moreover, we would have to line up at this hour; that is not wise, is it?"

"Haha, this old one knew you followed the same way of life. We both pursue oesophagus, I meant, the apex of cuisine! How can one discuss business without a table of quality wine and dishes?"

You bet my eyes sparkled, ears perked up, smell enhanced and temples pulsated as though my strength grew ten years' worth.

'God! Heavens! Why was Prime Minister Li not the shifu to take me in back then?!'

The prime minister and I enjoyed a joyous conversation on the way to Dongpo Restaurant. He possessed vast knowledge of cuisine, particularly since he travelled across the lands when he was younger. He was an expert in foods from various regions. He even knew the rare mantis shrimp I mentioned to him. He was undisputedly amazing.

Yan Bei suddenly reported, "Prime Minister, we have arrived."

There was an ocean for a crowd outside Dongpo Restaurant as I said there would be.

The prime minister stroked his beard: "Oh, mantis shrimp, I mean, Young Ming, let's go."

'Prime minister, that's quite the fashionable diss…'

The prime minister got off his litter. He carried a small bag on his back. He looked at the crowd then said to his servant, "You can all head back."

Surprised, Yan Bei asked, "Prime minister, how can I leave you alone?"

The other subordinates immediately expressed agreement with Yan Bei. The prime minister replied, "I'm just having a meal. What could possibly happen?"

"Prime minister, you are the foundation of the nation. Should anything happ-"

"Nothing will happen. Even if a mishap does happen, I have a bodyguard," interjected the prime minister, pointing to me confidently. "I have Young Ming with me, don't I?"

'Excusies, but why are you bringing yours truly into your argument?'

What could I do? It wasn't easy living as someone famous. Gold always gleams.

'I'm surprised someone can see why I'm special when I've made sure to hide my identity to leech off the imperial court. Worry not, prime minister. With me here, nobody will be able to harm you.'

Right as I finished my thought, Yan Bei irately exclaimed, "He looks like a nobody. How can he possibly protect you?!"

'Hey! Excuse me, but you are going too far! Who you calling a nobody? The fuck do I look like to you, a widow in a village way up on a mountain?!! I could kill you with my alias! I could kill you just standing next to you! You want to see the list of names I cursed to death?! You'd wet your pants!'

Prime minister: "Young Ming is an adept from Mount Daluo. His shifu, Daoist Wushan, is a hero in the North. Don't embarrass yourselves in front of him with your child's play."

Yan Bei scowled at me: "Really?"

Prime minister: "I shall take ten canes for every false word."

'Hey, hey, prime minister, I'm very grateful for your assistance; however, your subordinates clearly don't believe you. Yan Bei is looking at me as if he's staring at trash! His gaze says, 'I could beat twenty of him!!''

Prime Minister Li stroked his beard: "What? You don't believe me? Young Ming, show him what you got."

Yan Bei and his colleagues stepped back. He made a, "Let's see what you got," gesture.

'You can't set me up, like this! Why are you making me work just because you can't order your people around?! Now what? Shall I perform Tai Chi?'

Yan Bei: "Merely performing techniques or speaking is not enough. You need to spar with us."

So, we ended up going to an alley. Yan Bei folded his muscular arms. Due to his impulsiveness, he spoke with a regretful undertone beneath his frigid look: "I'll let you follow the prime minister today if you can defeat any one of us."

'Okay, fuck it! I don't want that reward. I do want to dine at Dongpo Restaurant, but I don't necessarily have to dine with the prime minister. Win a fight to win the right to dine with an old gramps? I'm not into that fetish!!'

"What? You don't want to accept? Are you toying with our honour as warriors? I knew you were just running your mouth. We've never heard of any of your accomplishments, but you are far from upright. There are countless scandals of you and the pretty young constable at Liu Shan Men, and I see it's true. Do gay men lose their backbone?"

As Yan Bei spoke, his subordinates kept disdainfully spouting, "Exactly, exactly."

'I don't want to hear that from you, you gramps-loving freaks! At the very least, I'm paired up with Su Xiao, while you're going after an old grandpa. You sure you want to play this game with me?!!'

One of the particularly large subordinates was done listening. He charged over to me, shouting. The prime minister stroked his beard and chuckled. He said, "Yan Bei, have you forgotten Young Ming's alias? Strength comes from one's efforts. Luck is granted by the heavens. You th-."

Before the prime minister could finish, the man charging at me fulfilled the prophecy and slipped. The momentum combined with his weight resulted in him crashing straight into a wall and cracking it.

"Think you can win against the heavens?" finished the prime minister.

Everyone was stupefied. Their gazes said: "What luck! Is he a deity?"

The truth was I used celestial spider silk to trip him. A physical strength specialist, such as him, wouldn't have fallen on flat ground, otherwise.

Yan Bei, stunned, stuttered, "L-Liu Shan's Plague?"

'… Didn't you just say you didn't know me, and I was nobody?! Where did you get that alias from?! My face?! I have the face of a plague?! Huh?!!'

Glossary

*Oesophagus and cuisine - The prime minister used "food dao (literally)", which actually means oesophagus. Food Dao isn't a real concept/term; he made the phrase up. He realised his made up term was misleading, which was why he corrected himself to, "Pursue the apex of cuisine".

l