Pay With Your Heart

Chapter 441: Figure It Out

Finally, given an opportunity to say something, In-Ha felt tongue-tied. No words went through his mind as he gazed at her.

Right this moment, where she was before his eyes – patiently waiting for whatever lame excuse or silly lines of apology he could come up with- he felt ashamed because all he could see was the little girl who had always clung to him with utmost trust and treated him like an elder brother all her life.

Though she bickered with him like no one else ever could and wore him out with endless arguments, she was still that little girl with colorful braces and twin ponies always tied in pink ribbons.

She often had him wondering if he would ever be logical enough to win an argument with a girl nine years younger than him.

So how the hell had he taken her to bed that night? He knew he couldn’t blame it on alcohol because for all the alcohol he had consumed that night, he was perfectly articulated, and so was she. So how had he done that, because insobriety couldn’t be faulted for this?

He felt like he had his answer when his eyes quickly scanned her body.

Though what she had on right now was far more chaste than what she had been wearing that night, she looked ravishing. It seemed like the little girl he once knew had suddenly turned into a beautiful woman.

.....

And thinking about this made him extremely uncomfortable, and he was also upset when he realized he might not be the only one feeling this way.

Why the hell was he even feeling that way in the first place?

And why in the devil’s name was she wearing so little these days? He mused in frustration.

As much he’d like to scold for dressing this way in a place filled with lecherous men, he stopped himself. Because now wasn’t the time to flex his protective arm.

“I’m sorry,” In-Ha said to her, and Ni-Na blankly stared at him. Wasn’t that the same thing he had been saying? She had almost said that out, but she stopped herself when he continued.

“I know you’ve said you don’t want to hear it, but I can’t stop feeling apologetic. I can’t stop berating and hating myself for what happened because, despite the situation we were caught in at the moment, I should have acted better, but I didn’t. And it’s crazy knowing there’s nothing I can do to reverse things.”

“Reverse it?” Ni-Na interjected with a scoff. Was he going to give her her virginity back? “What are you? Superman?” She arched a brow at him. She chuckled again when his lips opened to say something, but he closed them again.

“I thought as much,” She said dryly before taking a long sip of her drink.

“Why are you doing this?” In-Ha suddenly asked, making her glance at him.

“Doing what?” She confusedly asked.

“Why are you acting like none of this matters? Why are you so calm about it, like it doesn’t bother you?” He asked with annoyance and a clipped tone.

In-Ha still hasn’t understood how Ni-Na could be so calm over something he was losing his mind over. She should be flipping and cussing at him, but she was going about it as if nothing had happened.

“I’m acting like none of it matters because it doesn’t.” Ni-Na primly told him, refusing to let go of the fraying control over her emotions. “And why am I so calm? Do you want me to yell and cuss at you?”

“Yes!” In-Ha sharply replied, but he instantly regretted doing so when he noticed the few eyes that darted toward him. He lowered his voice and continued. “I’d feel better if you at least show some hate.”

Ni-Na shrugged. “I don’t have any hate to give you. And like I said, let’s act like adults. Add this to your running tally of one-night stands.”

“Shut up!” In-Ha growled at her. His eyes flashed with anger, but Ni-Na paid him no mind as she continued.

“No matter how you try to act right now or think about things, nothing will change. And like I already told you, I’m fine. If my virtue has you all bungled up, then, believe me, it’s nothing to worry about. It was only a matter of time before I gave it away in a drunken stupor. Maybe it would have been at the back of a car, and I had even given the lucky guy a parting kiss.” She chuckled as if finding her own words amusing.

In-Ha brushed his hand over his face a few times in frustration as he gravely hissed. “Can you please stop talking about your virginity like it was some prize to be won? Or something you were so desperate to give away?” In-Ha pleaded in a low and hard voice, but more than how displeased he looked, he was frustrated.

In-Ha didn’t understand what had come over her.

He knew her, just like he knew none of the things she was saying were true. She wasn’t one to play around or entertain silly ideas. She was the most rational and sensible twenty-year-old he knew. Even when she was ten, she was wiser than many teenagers he knew.

He had often teased her about following too hard on her mentor’s -Dan-Han – way of life, so how could he believe all the crap coming out of her mouth?

“Ni-Na, please stop doing this. Let’s face this thing and talk about it.” In-Ha desperately pleaded. He could swear she was hurting just as bad as he was, but his pain wasn’t for the same reason. He was hurting for hurting her the way he had done.

Ni-Na’s face hardened at his silly insistence. “And how many times do I have to tell you that there’s nothing to talk about?!” She snapped at him. “You want to take responsibility for it? Tell me how?!” She demanded, and In-Ha stared at her wide-eyed.

“You’re not in love with me, so I can’t date you. Neither can you say you’ve miraculously developed feelings for me after one sex because that will be preposterous coming from you.”

Ni-Na would be damned to even think that was possible. If it was, he must be blessed with a generous heart because the number of girls he had slept with could form a circle around the city. Did he love all of them? And how many had he felt responsible for?

She had not fallen in bed with him because she was drunk or without consent, but she did because she wanted to. There had been that moment where In-Ha had stared at her under the dim light of her room like she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

The appreciative trail of his eyes over her had been something she had always fantasized about. She had always waited for that moment when In-Ha would see her as more than just the little girl he had known all his life, and when he did, even though it had been for a split moment, she had felt lost and weak, and all she had wanted was for him to do all the crazy things she had dreamt about. But he didn’t have to know that.

In-Ha opened his mouth to say something to defend himself, but he couldn’t come up with anything because he knew she was right.

He has been begging for a chance to take responsibility, but how exactly would he do that?

Seeing the hesitation and frustration on his face, she listlessly sighed. “You don’t have to beat yourself up. You’ve had several nightstands than you can remember. Just add this to it. It’s no biggie.”

“It’s a biggie.” In-Ha countered. “And just so you know, I haven’t had any of those in a while.” He said, and Ni-Na dryly chuckled.

Was he expecting her to cheer for him or accolade him for his honorable act? His short-lived decision at chastity had everything to do with his feelings for Eun-sun and nothing to do with him being redeemed.

“If you’re looking for some compliment, then I’m sorry, I don’t have one to give.”

“I’m not looking for -” In-Ha stopped himself as he pushed his hand through his hair one more time. He sighed exasperatedly.

He reached for her arm and turned her body to face him. Despite how regal she had been acting and the aloof and unperturbed look on her face, which perfectly shielded her emotions, he could see the slight uneasiness in her eyes.

“Ni-Na, let’s figure this out, please,” He begged in earnest. “I don’t know how we’re going to do it, but let’s find a way out. I can’t just pack up and go about my life as if nothing has happened. I can’t.” The latter part of his words almost seemed like a desperate cry for help, but help was something she couldn’t give him. Because what In-Ha was looking for, she couldn’t give.

“And the reason you’re feeling this way, it’s called guilt. You feel guilty, and I understand why. I’m your best friend’s little sister, and you’re scared Dan-Han would bury you alive if he as much as finds out. And just as I’ve assured you before, I won’t say a word of it to him, be rest assured.”

“Still, let’s just-”

“Please don’t use the figure-out word again.” Ni-Na stopped him before he could utter it one more time. “It’s too mighty a word for you to say, and you saying it is making me cringe.”

“How?” In-Ha frowned.

“Well, firstly because it’s something people with feelings say to each other. Secondly, it is a love language itself, and we both know your understanding of that language is twisted, so please don’t do it.”