The Abandoned Empress

“I… I hated you because you smiled as if nothing had happened to me, and I was so upset with the fact that you won his love when you had nothing better than me. I couldn’t admit that you took away everything I had taken care of all my life.”

Since I already began to speak, I decided to tell her everything I wanted to say without any reservation.

I felt bitter somehow because I told her my honest feelings toward her. That was true. I ignored her, pretending that I didn’t care about her who was inferior to me, but I was jealous of her deep down because she stole his love. I took pains to deny her existence, thinking that the feelings of love existed only between equal partners, and that as someone with an unknown family background, she could not win his love.

I couldn’t understand the fact that he loved her who was not better than me in any way. I was troubled and exhausted because of her. It was so hard emotionally every day. At that time I didn’t think it strange that I found it so hard to put up with my surging irritation, even though I learned how to hide my feelings for decades, and that he, who was always cold to me and rational in deeds and words, began to hate me irrationally.

When I thought as far as that, I recalled a question that I had in my mind until now.

I asked myself, looking at Jiun who was keeping silent. Does she know the truth of the past? Does she know my doubts?

“Let me ask you just one thing.”

It may be a ridiculous question, but I felt I would continue to feel uncomfortable if I didn’t confirm it now. I finally asked her, who was looking at me curiously, “Did it happen to me in the past? Was I poisoned before?”

“…”

“Answer me. Was I?”

“…”

I asked again and again, but she remained silent.

After waiting for her reply for a while, I sighed. After all, can’t I get her reply? When I was about to talk about something, almost giving it up as a bad job, she said, turning her eyes away from me, “… Headache, dizziness, insomnia, and extreme emotional changes.”

“…”

“Yes, they were the symptoms he showed before he died.”

“I see… What the heck? He died?”

Despite my urgent questioning, she asked back with a weary voice a little later, “When do you think I came back?”

“…”

“Do you remember what you said before? You said it’s only been four years.”

“…Yes, I do.”

“It is literally as you said. It was four years since you died. I’m twenty three by the imperial calendar here, and he was probably twenty six.”

“… For four years… What happened?”

She smiled faintly at me when I asked, trembling, then said, “You know, I don’t know politics very well. I tried my best, but no matter how much I studied it, I couldn’t work it out. So, I don’t know exactly what happened.”

“…”

“That’s all I remember. He couldn’t sleep well and often threw a tantrum since the two dukes left the capital. And he began to keep away from me and look out for others. One day he left the capital, saying he was going on an expedition… then he never came back. ”

I stiffened at that moment.

Did the emperor leave the capital on the pretext of going on an expedition? In that case, more than half of the regular knights would have to follow him. How could he think of leaving the capital without the two dukes in the capital? Given the symptoms, he seemed to have been poisoned. Was his condition serious enough to cloud his judgement? Or did he have any reason to leave the capital? For example…

“Did you find anything unusual about him when he left? For example, his symptoms got worse or his aide was changed…”

“Something unusual? Well, I don’t know the details. I guess there were so many things like what you said. He really didn’t tell me anything. I could feel he didn’t love me gradually after you died. After that, he really hated you. He hated me so much that he left for the expedition even though I was pregnant at that time.”

“Wait a minute. You were pregnant?”

“Yes, I was.”

I closed my eyes. Was she pregnant back then? I suspected she was. In the end, my worst assumption was right. Didn’t he notice by that time that someone was targeting his life? As she got pregnant in such a situation, he might have had to escape the capital to save his life because the moment his successor was born, he would be killed immediately.

Suddenly, one question came to my mind.

Why did he choose that path? To think of it rationally, it would have been better for him to get rid of Jiun than to flee from the capital. In that case, he could have a negotiating chip and overturn the political situation in his favor.

I swallowed. I wondered if he, who recovered his reason, could not have the heart to kill Jiun who was having his baby. Was that the reason he left the capital with the troops, knowing his escape was a political gamble? Did he intend to save himself, Jiun and his successor by mobilizing troops by all means?

“… I couldn’t figure out anything, but you already noticed something?”

“…”

“Anyway, I was desperate then. You had people who supported you, but I had none. In the end, I got pregnant and gave birth to a baby girl… but I had to run away with a newborn baby without receiving any postpartum care, but eventually I was caught. ”

She began to speak more, though she was reserved with bitterness at first.

“I hated him who deserted me alone after whispering love to me freely. I also hated God who didn’t care about me after dropping me in a strange place. At the last moment of my life, I cursed him, closing my eyes. If I could start again, I would surely get even with him who used me… When I opened my eyes, however, he was there again, the very man who stabbed me in the chest.”

I stared blankly at her who was venting out her resentment with him freely.

‘Oh you really don’t know why he left the capital and how much he cared about you. You really don’t know anything about him.’

“You know that? Actually, I hated you, too. ”

“…”

“You said I took everything from you, but in the end, you didn’t lose anything. Even when you were pushed out of the empress position, you had the continued support of the nobles, and even those who supported me as the empress compared me with you. What I thought I had, such as God’s love and his affection for me, were all yours at the end of the day.”

“Oh my…”

I made a hollow smile at that. Wasn’t she trying to rationalize her actions now? I could buy her argument that I was supported by the nobles.

But what did you say? God’s love? His affection?

Only

I was dumbfounded to hear that. When was he my man? Did I ever have him at all? Even if I had his love, what’s the point of having his love after I died?

“In a world where I could rely on nobody, I struggled alone to find my own share. But everything was yours, and I always hovered around you. No matter how hard I tried, I found myself crushed by your shadow rather than catching up with you. I was only your substitute, something inferior to you. No one looked at me as I was. And it was not my will to come to this place.”

“…”

“You asked me why I followed you as far as here, right? You’re not the only one who wanted to fix everything. The moment I closed my eyes, I realized that even if I wanted God to send me back to my original place, I would be suffering with the painful memory of my past for the rest of my life. But I thought I would be a real loser if I asked God to erase my memories. So, instead of all those wishes, I asked God to see you again. ”

“…”

“I really wanted to beat you at least once because I realized that only when my sense of inferiority to you disappeared could I feel free… I was so happy when I saw people calling me a scared woman. I knew better than anyone that I didn’t deserve it. But I felt like I was freed from something at that moment. It was my first feeling since I came here. By the way…”

While she was trying to continue, she stopped and took a deep breath. Then, she continued in a subdued voice after remaining silent a bit.