This Eroge Won't Make Me Fall!

A boy with spiky blonde hair had fainted at the counter of the adventurer's guild. The other receptionists were already working on moving the litter of unconscious adventurers to the floor above for them to be healed.

The biggest cause of injury amongst adventurers remained internal squabbles, and there were no visible signs of that changing anytime soon.

The blonde-haired boy groaned as the pain of his broken teeth stabbed through his head. He rested his hand on the counter and pulled himself up, but slipped and fell back.

From the counter, an envelope fluttered down, knocked off by his hand, and landed right atop his face.

"Huh?" the boy tilted his head, his jagged teeth reminiscent of a shark in full view.

When the pain coursing through his body mixed up with his natural stupidity, he ended up opening the envelope almost on reflex.

It was but a series of coincidences. It would have never been a problem had it not been for him being knocked all the way to the very desk that all adventurers would have avoided like the plague. No information would have leaked.

"Hah...?" The boy's eyes widened as he read on. "Empire... birthday... platinum..."

A spark appeared in his gaze.

"I..."

He muttered. His mind clear, his heart ready.

"I can get a noble girlfriend!!!"

An idiot had latched his gaze on a distant dream.

***

It was the next day when I went back to the adventurer's guild. With my legs crossed over the table and my back resting on the couch, I sipped on a cool lemon Sherbet from a straw. My gaze fell on the groups of adventurers coming in and going out.

All of them were injured. Some with casts wrapped around their arms, others with bandages all over their bodies.

A group of them wearing a path with sword embroidery on their clothes. A bald and muscular man at the head, it was the familiar Phillip and his party of three. Phillip had a bandage wrapped tightly around his stomach that was usually out in the open to show off his scars.

"Yo, Phillip," I called out. "What's up with everyone today? Did a Behemoth come and put you all in your place? Why is everyone injured."

"Hahaha! I'll fucking poison your drink. No, I'll lace it with laxatives."

"Useless Useless Useless! Things like poisons or laxatives don't work on me."

Phillip clicked his tongue. "Bastard, I am busy. I'll teach you a lesson later."

He walked away and left me to laugh alone.

"Hey Titania, should I also beat up the ones who weren't here yesterday? Just for fun?"

Titania, still in her mature lady attire, shook her head.

"It's a huge hassle, let them all gather and take care of it at once."

That was true. As expected of my smart and cute fairy companion.

As if hearing my thoughts, Titania smiled and nodded haughtily. I finished the drink and placed it down on the desk—

"—Oh! Good sir, are you done drinking? Shall this servant bring you another round?"

A chill ran up my spine.

Wearing a tailcoat and gloves, in complete butler attire, Sharky with his sharp teeth said something absurd.

I immediately stood up and grabbed his shoulders, shaking him around.

"D-did I hit your head too bad? Oh god, what have I done? Should I hit you again and bring your brain back in place?"

"Hey, you bastard, I know it's overkill but you don't have to be so surprised—"

"—Ah, there you are." I sighed, placing a hand on my chest. "To think Sharky could say a long sentence without cussing even once, I almost thought someone switched you for someone else."

"That's your fucking problem!?"

From behind Sharky, a person in full-plate armor nodded, half asleep.

"You too, fucking lightbulb bastard!"

"So?" I spoke, interrupting the person who had not been possessed by a demon. "What do you want?"

"A girlfriend."

"Next life is your only hope. I can't punch your face fixed. Impossible."

Sharky clicked his tongue. He dragged Zachariah by his hand and the two of them took a seat in front of me.

"That's not it," he said. "You, when are you going for a next quest?"

"I am not kidnapping a female orc for you. Just imagine how horrible it would be."

He smacked his head against the table, his brows twitching. A small spark emerged from his teeth as they clashed against each other with the slightest movement. How curious.

"I heard you're going to the empire in a week?"

What the heck? Wasn't it supposed to be a secret since it was sure to send all gold rank on a spree of applying for a promotion?

I leaned closer to the duo. Taking a glance at both sides, I whispered.

"How did you hear it?"

"I overheard the head receptionist—"

A hand appeared from Sharky's side. Zachariah, with his eyes wide open, shook his head while glaring at his party member.

It was not wise to mention you overheard the receptionist. It was not wise at all.

Understanding the horror of his careless actions, Sharky's face paled.

He nodded at me and only then did Zachariah let go. His eyes closed again and he went right back to sleep.

"Anyway..."

"I can't take you with, Sharky." I firmly shook my head. "It's a big thing apparently, gold or below will be impossible."

"No, no!" Sharky shook his hands frantically. "You bastard, that wasn't my intention."

"Oh?"

"We picked up a quest toward the empire to kill a fucking Earth salamander. You know Earth is not good compatibility for our lightbulb here, right? So, we just wanted to ask if you would tag along till we take it down. Just in case."

"This fuckwit is asking you to be his shield?" Titania commented. "Something's fishy. It's even fishier than the empire."

I agreed wholeheartedly. It wasn't going to be a simple salamander.

These guys likely discovered something interesting.

"What's in it for me?" I asked.

"You can have the corpse to yourself regardless of whether you help or not. We'll just take the commission fee," he smiled. He didn't curse either.

Something was horribly wrong with this guy.

Thinking a couple more times, my curiosity won over my caution.

In the end, I nodded.

"Fine. A week from now."

Sharky smiled brightly and stretched his hand. Oh my god, he was acting like a normal person.

Hiding all my uneasiness, I shook Sharky's hands.

Just wait, you bastard. I'll figure out your plans.

***

Sharky smiled inwardly as he shook Eugene's hand.

'Just wait, you bastard. I'll definitely get a pretty empire girlfriend!'