Tondemo Skill de Isekai Hourou Meshi

“…k… up…”

“”…oi!“”

“”…up…ji~~“”

I could vaguely hear voices, but I was so tired that I rolled over and stuffed my head under the pillow, hoping that the voices would just go away.

“Oi, get up!”

“Ooff!” something hard stepped on my stomach and I opened my eyes to see Fer glaring down his snout at me. His paw pressed down threateningly on my belly.

“Fer…” I glared at him, my voice still scratchy with sleep.

However, he ignored my glare and said, “Oi, I’m hungry. Make us food,”

““I’m hungry too!””

““Sui wants something to eat too~~~””

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I knew this would happen.

Is it fate? [1] Self-fulfilling prophecy?

Whatever it was, I had never been so disappointed to be right. Still, it’s not like I could just ignore everyone’s hunger… [6] in the end, I rolled to my feet and was about to get breakfast started when there was a knock on the door.

“Mukouda-san, are you awake? It’s Elland, may I come in?”

[6] Can I say no?

“Mukouda-san?”

[6] I mean, I could probably say the word no to the dragon otaku elf, but my conscience will never let me sleep well…

So, I opened the door.

[8] “Ah, Mukouda-san, apologies for coming over so early. I was hoping for… ahem, that is, are you having breakfast now by any chance?” Elland-san was actually craning his neck to see if my familiars were eating.

He’s becoming more and more shameless.

“Not yet, I’m about to start making it,”

“Ah, is that so~ Is it possible for me to accompany you?”

We’ll have to work together later to sort out the things we had gotten from the dungeons. It would be too awkward to stare into his face later if I reject his request for breakfast now.

This old elf really knew how to time his appearance.

“… sure,” [5]

“Wonderful! Being able to have Mukouda-san’s food so early in the morning is such a treat~!”

[8] “Yes, yes, please come in.” [1] It’s a damned hassle to have to make full breakfasts so early when all I wanted to do was sleep. Ugh, whatever.

[8] Anyway, the reason why I like this ground floor room was that it has a rather large window that opened out to a private garden dedicated to this room. I hopped through it and set out my magic stove in this little garden. [6] It’s nice and private, also I don’t have to deal with cooking smoke seeping into the beddings.

“Oi! Let’s have meat!” [5]

Fer’s cry for meat, meat, meat was taken up by my other two familiars.

“Meat in the morning? Sounds great~~”

[5] -and my breakfast guest too.

Though Elland-san has the typical elegant looks of a vegan elf, he sure loves his meat. [5]

Hmm, let’s see.

If it’s meat, I guess we could go with Steak Sandwiches. [6] We’ve been eating a lot of rice and I have absolutely nothing against that but I do have all these [9] black bread lying around so… Yes, sandwiches it is. [5]

First, let’s get some sandwich things together. [1] I opened up [Net Super] and got hold of some lettuce, butter, Japanese mustard and some soft Japanese bread. [6] Let’s make sandwiches with two different types of bread. Black bread is filling, so I’m hoping they would get full quicker. However, I like soft Japanese bread better.

[5] As for the meat, I rifled through my [Item Box] for some beef equivalent. Hmm, I still have some random bits of Wyvern and Bloody Horn Bull, but there was not a lot of it left. [1] I should cook these up while I’m here.

[5] There’s the Earth Dragon meat, but that’s like a super premium thing so let’s save it for a special occasion. The Red Dragon hasn’t been dismantled yet, so… Oh, I have a lot of Orc meat and of course, there’s the snake meat and soft-shelled turtle meat collected from the dungeons… In short, we’re not lacking in meat at all, which is always a good thing.

In the end, I went with Golden Back Bull, since I already have some steak sized ones, I could fry them up into quick steaks and slice them up for sandwiches.

While pans were heating up on the stove, I quickly seasoned the steaks with salt and pepper. Once the pans were screaming hot, I quickly cook up a few steaks over the stove before setting them aside on a tray covered with an aluminium foil to rest.

While the meat was resting, I placed the soft Japanese bread into the oven for a quick toasting while I cut up the black bread into half. [6] The job of tearing and cleaning and drying the leaves for the sandwiches was left to Sui while I spread butter and Japanese mustard onto the black bread halves, making steak burgers. [6] I’ll put these in the oven later to warm up in the residual heat. I find that toasting black bread just make them extra hard, but if you warm them up a little, they get a little softer.

[6] Once I got a tray of black bread covered in butter and mustard spread, the oven dinged and Sui helped me spread the butter and Japanese mustard on the toasted white bread while I slice up the steaks. Since it was supposed to be a meat feast, I was not stingy with the thickness. With my good knives, better strength and speed, I soon have a large pile of sliced meat which I covered in Soy & Onion Steak Sauce.

[6] Time to assemble!

[6] Instead of doing the sandwiches one by one, I maxed out efficiency by spreading out the Japanese mustard covered bread on the table first and topped them with a generous layer of meat, followed by lettuce and finally slapped on the buttered bread.

[8] There was a clapping sound and Elland-san cheered, “What amazing skills~”

[8] “Ah, yes, thank you,” I said, restraining the urge to bow like a performer. Then I looked over at the pile of Steak Sandwiches I just made and felt rather impressed too. Wow, I really outdid myself.

I thought about the new thing tacked next to my Occupation. A ‘Cook’.

To be fair I had been cooking almost every day ever since I came into this world and my skills had to have improved right? However, I never thought it would turn into an actual occupation to the point that it would appear in my status…

I had no idea whether to feel happy about this or not.

On the one hand, it’s an acknowledgement of my skills, [1] on the other… I’m not actually a cook or chef of any kind? [6] Just some guy who enjoys a little cooking at home with shortcut condiments.

Ah well, might as well just accept it. If the occupation comes with some skills, let’s just take it at face value and not complain.

[9] While I was mulling over this, my hands continued to work. This time making black bread Steak Burgers and setting them out onto plates for everyone. I also included 100% orange juice as a refreshing drink.

“Alright everyone, there you go,”

Naturally, I set out the food for Fer, Dora-chan and Sui first. My familiars chomped into the sandwiches immediately.

“Please have some too, Elland-san,” [1] the portion I gave to Elland-san was not only smaller, but I also took the time to cut the sandwiches in half.

“Many thanks!”

I settled down and took a bite of my Steak Sandwich, hmm, hmm, very nice. The meat is firm and juicy, the mustard has enough punch to cut through the strong meaty flavour to give it that spicy flavour.

“Aaahh, as expected of Mukouda-san, this is excellent. The meat is hearty and juicy and the sauce is flavourful and complex,” [9] Elland-san has a sandwich in one hand and a burger in the other. “I think I like this meat in bread better than the meat in sliced cakes. It holds the meat juice better.”

[10] “… eh?” I blinked at Elland-san. “Um, that one’s bread too, you know?”

[10] “Eh? This is bread?” Elland-san looked at the Japanese bread with amazement. “Hmm, it certainly has a sweetness that’s different from regular bread.”

[10] I noticed that he seemed to like the black bread better, but then again, he’s an Adventurer who likes meat and swings a sword around most days so I guess he’d like the more filling bread better. Oddly enough, my familiars never mentioned anything about the hard or soft bread before…

“Umu, seconds,” Fer licked his lips. “Hmm, that tingling sauce is very tasty,”

[8] Oh, yes, I remember that Fer likes spicy things. [5] [1] [10] I served him some Steak Burgers. Ah, he ate them all without complaint… I guess as long as it contained meat, he’s happy?

I also gave seconds to Sui and Dora-chan.

Everyone ate until they were full and Fer immediately trotted off to sleep.

Ahhh, I want a nap too…

However, I have to report my dungeon collections to the Adventurer’s Guild tomorrow and [6] I really don’t want to anger the Giant Princess by not showing up. To do that, I’ll have to sort out my stuff and make a list of things I have…

“That was a great breakfast,” [7] said Elland-san happily. “Well then, I shall return to my room-”

“Where are you going, Elland-san?” [6] I stared at Elland-san with eyes reserved for perfectly healthy people who plonked themselves into the Priority Seats reserved for pregnant women, old people and the disabled.

Elland-san halted.

“Now that you have eaten my food, it’s only polite to repay me with your body [11], don’t you think so?” I smiled.

“Hi- hiiiii!!!!”

What’s with that dramatic response? I’m beginning to understand how painful it must be for Ugor-san every day.

Please read this at dot com ~ o(≧□≦)o

[8] “Huuuuhhh, I- I can’t…”

[8] “Ugghh… exhausted… m-my eyes….” [5]

The two of us, Elland-san and I, collapsed in a corner after placing the final bit of item collected from the dungeon into neat piles. [1] Shakily, I heated up a kettle of water. Once the kettle whistled, I poured hot water into a couple of mugs with tea bags in them and pushed one towards Elland-san.

[7] Elland-san brought the mug to his face, breathed in the black tea steam and sighed, “Ahhh, this scent is quite invigorating.”

“Indeed,” I said as I sipped my tea.

The sheer amount of stuff, as well as the ‘special monster’ stuff, made sorting things out even more difficult. I’d love to take a longer break, but I dare not disappoint the Giant Princess…

[6] Anyway, the reason why we’re having black tea now was…

[6] “Oh? These are? More sweet bread?”

[8] That’s right, lunch was sweet buns. Cream buns, jam buns, sweet bean buns and whatever sweet buns are available in [Net super]. Fer and Dora-chan were disappointed since it was not meat, meat, meat but too bad for them. Sui was ecstatic since she loves sweets. As for Elland-san…

“To think that bread could be so soft and creamy and delicious~~”

[10] Haha, it looks like he’s fine with soft bread when it’s sweet, but prefer hard bread for meat sandwiches. Well, I guess I could understand.

[6] After the sweet buns lunch, we forged on.

[8] Elland-san picked up one of the Killer Hornet Poison Needle and squinted at it, “This is quite tricky, I can’t tell whether it’s from a normal Killer Hornet or a special Killer Hornet. There’s quite a price difference you know?”

[8] I, who had my [Appraisal] out all this time, could immediately tell that it was a ‘normal’ item. Nevertheless, all I said was, “Ahah, I’ll sort it out later with Fer, so please put them back in the pile first.” [6] I still don’t want to reveal my [Appraisal] skill to anyone.

[8] “Hmm, alright, I’ll sort these instead,” Elland-san obligingly went to the other side to sort out the Iguana Skins. The regular and special skins were easier to tell since those came in different colours.

Anyway, after a long day of sorting, this is what our list looked like:

Corrosive Liquid x 34

Skeleton Bone Fragment x 26

White Caterpillar Thread x 138

Grey Caterpillar Thread x 30

Numbing Medicine x 16

Killer Ant Jaw x 163

Killer Ant Knight Carapace x 24

Killer Ant Queen Eyes x 1

Killer Ant Queen Magic Stone (small) x 1

Killer Mantis Sickle x 61

Giant Killer Mantis Sickle x 34

Giant Killer Mantis Magic Stone (very small) x 12

Giant Killer Mantis Compound Eye x 3

Killer Hornets Poison Needle x 348

Killer Hornet (special monster) Poison Needle x 38

Killer Hornets Wings x 134

Killer Hornet (special monster) Wings x 27

Killer Hornet Royal Jelly x 1

Killer Hornet Queen’s Poison Needle x 1

Killer Hornet Queen Magic Stone (Small) x 1

Venom Tarantula Thread x 128

Venom Tarantula (special monster) Thread x 38

Venom Tarantula Poison Bag x 92

Venom Tarantula (special monster) Poison Sac x 20

Killer Camel Cricket Jaw x 72

Killer Camel Cricket Antenna x 42

Killer Camel Cricket Paralysis Poison x 25

Giant Killer Camel Cricket Jaw x 28

Giant Killer Camel Cricket Antenna x 19

Giant Killer Camel Cricket Paralytic Poison x 6

King Killer Camel Cricket Magic Stone (medium) x 1

Venom Centipede Poison x 46

Giant Centipede Carapace x 30

Giant Centipede Magic Stone (Small) x 10

Giant Cockroach Antenna x 98

Giant Cockroach Carapace x 207

Giant Cockroach Claw x 179

Giant Cockroach Paralysis Poison x 78

Giant Cockroach Magic Stone (extra small) x 21

Gold nuggets x 572

Gigantic Cockroach Carapace x 5

Gigantic Cockroach Claw x 3

Gigantic Cockroach Magic Stone (medium) x 3

Ghoul Poison Claw x 70

Dark Sphere x 68

Cursed Sword x 3

Big Bite Turtle Meat x 182

Big Bite Turtle Blood x 84

Big Bite Turtle Shell x 81

Giant Bite Turtle Meat x 5

Giant Bite Turtle Magic Stone (small) x 2

Big Bronze Iguana Skin x 46

Big bronze Iguana (special monster) Skin x 10

Big Bronze Iguana Liver x 38

Big Bronze Iguana (special monster) Liver x 6

Red Killer Crocodile Teeth x 42

Red Killer Crocodile Skin x 40

Giant Red Killer Crocodile Skin x 1

Giant Red Killer Crocodile Magic Stone (large) x 1

Black Anaconda Skin x 29

Black Anaconda Meat x 36

Tyrant Black Anaconda Skin x 1

Tyrant Black Anaconda Meat x 1

Tyrant Black Anaconda Magic Stone (large) x 1

Scavenger Lizard Skin x 48

Scavenger Lizard Hemotoxic Poison x 64

Black Serpent Skin x 52

Black Serpent Meat x 39

Black Serpent Magic Stone (medium) x 23

Red Serpent Skin x 8

Red Serpent Meat x 11

Red Serpent Magic Stone (large) x 2

Crimson Cobra Skin x 39

Crimson Cobra Poison x 35

Crimson Cobra Magic Stone (large) x 18

Crimson Cobra Meat x 24

King Crimson Cobra Skin x 1

King Crimson Cobra Fang x 1

King Crimson Cobra Meat x 1

King Crimson Cobra Magic Stone (extra large) x 1

A piece of Mummy’s Bandage x 18

Skeleton Warrior Bone Fragment x 15

Skeleton Mage Bone Fragment x 8

Lich Magic Stone (small) x 12

Emperor Lich’s Immortal King Crown x 1

Emperor Lich Magic Stone (extra large) x 1

Hydra Skin x 1

Hydra’s Magic Stone (Extra Large) x 1

Hydra (Dungeon Boss) Treasure Chest x 1

Gold and precious stones from treasure chests:

Gold Bar x 15

Gold Coins x 3000

Ruby (small grain) x 2

Sapphire (medium grain) x 1

Diamond (medium grain) x 1

Diamond (small grain) x 1

Emerald (large grain) x 1

Opal (medium grain) x 1

Amethyst (medium grain) x 2

Aquamarine (large grain) x 1

Magic items from treasure chests:

Poison Knife x 1

Vampire Knife x 1

Magic Bag (extra large) x 1

In short, we managed to collect a whole lot of stuff.

Stuff from the Insect Zone was especially plentiful. Especially stuff from those Shiny Black Things. [1] [5] Uggh, I had to wear gloves when handling those.

After a brief discussion with Elland-san, I managed to secure all the meat items as well as the Vampire Knife and Magic Bag (extra large). I should say that Elland-san gave up all those items happily enough.

“Ahahah, I can’t say I contribute much to the dungeon challenge, Mukouda-san. Even without me, your familiars would have cleared the dungeon easily for you so it would be really awkward for me to say you can’t have this or that.”

Oh? Looks like Elland-san has a reasonable side as well.

For myself, I am happy to contribute one Magic Bag (medium) and split the sale of the Dungeon Drops into thirds. With me taking a third and Elland-san two thirds.

Elland-san’s reaction was immediate, “Absolutely not! That’s robbery!” Instead, he made a counteroffer of, “Just let me have some of the Dark Spheres and a third of the Drops from the Hydra’s treasure chest. That should be enough to fund my old age, heheh.”

Elland-san’s hobby is collecting dragon paraphernalia, so, I highly doubt any amount would be enough. Also, “While it’s true that Fer, Sui and Dora-chan are the main fighters during our dungeon challenge, I’ve learned a lot from Elland-san too. And your wisdom is very much appreciated.” I began, trying to think of a way to get Elland-san to accept at least a third of the monetary compensation.

“Ah, it’s almost dinner time. What are you making for dinner tonight? I’m feeling kind of hungry…”

“… Elland-san…”

Here I am, busy trying to think of a way to get you to accept a bigger share of the loot, but you’ve just ruined the mood. Also, once this silly Elf opened his big mouth, he was backed up by a chorus of ‘I’m hungry!’ by the trio behind him.

Looks like Elland-san has really wormed his way into our party…

Just when did that happen?

[Gumihou: Hahaha, I’m sure Elland-san will be very happy to become one of Mukouda’s familiars…]

[1] Structural Change: Combine 2 paragraphs

[2] Structural Change: Combine 3 paragraphs

[3] Structural Change: Combine paragraph & dialogue

[4] Structural Change: Change passive sentence to dialogue

[5] Delete Repetitive or Pointless Information

[6] Additional Information for Aesthetic Purpose

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[7] Add Dialogue Tag

[8] Creative Licence Taken

[9] Black bread: Since he’s making sandwiches, let’s just use the black bread Mukouda-san bought. He mentioned buying lots of black bread and haven’t actually eaten them. So…

[10] Soft Bread vs Crusty Bread – I have a friend who hates Japanese bread declaring them a sham and more like cake than anything else. So, gave a bit of this attitude to Elland-san since he’s an Adventurer who loves his meat and not a snooty aristocrat.

[11] Pay with your body – is a slightly lewd way of saying pay with labour. It just sounds really bad, Gumi couldn’t resist making this joke, lol!