Imperfect Desires

historical

740 Go Home

Darren looked at her with a strange look in his eyes. What did she mean? Suddenly, everything around him spun and he found himself back where he started from. He was standing underneath the apartment complex once again. The only difference was that this time, she was standing with him.

"Look there," she said and for some reason, Darren didn't want to move. His heart knew what she wanted him to see but he refused to see it. He didn't want to see it. No! Not again! "Open your eyes... Stop running from it." Darren slowly opened his eyes and looked over. As he had expected, he saw that lifeless body drenched in blood. The blood dripped down from her wounds as if it was blood rain. He felt someone clutching his hand and looked at that person. She was still standing beside him but she was also laying lifeless there.

Which one was real? Which one was his own illusion? Or all of it was just his illusion?

"Isn't it a part of you?" she questioned. "This is one of those moments that made you who you are today. Then why do you always want to change this moment?"

"Because... Because I wanted to save you," he said as something hot trickled down his face.

Her cold hands wiped his tears as she said, "But you did save me." He looked at her wide-eyed. "The Chen Xiu in your memories is so beautiful that even the real could never compare. The love you had for her was so pure that it'd put people to shame." She held his hands and added, "Do you know why you're here?" He shook his head. He didn't know why he was suffering through the same pain and torture all over again. Why this place? Why? The looming shadows of this night would still haunt him and he'd get up in the middle of the night to hug his wife and would only calm down seeing her alive and breathing beside him.

He suddenly froze, 'His wife?' Who is his wife? Why did he think of her at this time? Why did just thinking about her made every pain he felt to vanish?

The 'Chen Xiu' beside him spoke again, "This is your deepest darkest desire. It's that one part of your past, you're still subconsciously holding on to. It's that one regret that doesn't let your heart be at ease. Because you think if you have been able to save her that night, everything would have been better."

Even if he wanted to, he couldn't deny those words. No matter how much he convinced himself that he had moved on, he was still living in the nightmare of this night. This nightmare where he watched her leaving this world. This nightmare became his prison. This nightmare that he couldn't even hate at one point because it was the only place he was able to see her again.

"Chen Xiu is nothing but a regret of your life," her voice drifted into his ears. "But what about her?" Darren blinked and looked up. Suddenly, he found himself in a park. There she was sitting on a swing with a kid of five or six years old in her lap.

He stood there smiling foolishly as he gazed at her lovingly... Yes, that's the one! That is his wife! How can he forget her? He'd rather forget himself than her.

"Mommy, what are we doing here?" he heard that milky voice of the little boy asking her.

She pinched his cheeks and said, "We are sightseeing!"

"Sightseeing? What is that?" that adorable voice asked again.

She rubbed his head, "Grow a little bit more, mommy will teach you the art of sightseeing."

The little boy nodded his head in agreement, "Okay! I'll grow up fast! Then mommy and I can do sightseeing together."

He heard her laughing at that remark as she kissed that little one's eyes and said, "That's like my son!"

Darren didn't even know that he had been crying and laughing at the same time. How come she was exactly the same even in his dreams? What sightseeing? Bloody hell! How can you still check boys out when you have me?!!

He wanted to touch her but he couldn't and it made him feel frustrated. He wanted to hug her and that little one that had his grey eyes.

"Mommy, why do you always kiss my eyes?"

"Because grey had always been mommy's color," as she said that her eyes lifted up and it seemed like she was looking right into Darren's eyes. He felt his heart stop right there. "It'll always be mommy's color."

Darren frantically turned towards 'Chen Xiu' and said, "I want to go home."

"Isn't this home?" she questioned.

He shook his head, "No! This is not my home! My Sweets is waiting for me at home. I can't be here. She and our little tiger are waiting for me. I have to go back!"

"Won't you ask what this place is?" He looked into her eyes as she continued, "This is your deepest and most beautiful dream." Darren was silent as he heard her say, "You can't live in the past forever. Especially when such a beautiful future is right in front of you."

"But isn't it ironic? My deepest regret and most beautiful dream, both have the same protagonist; My Xiu."

She shook her head, "It's not ironic. It's symbolic. It means no matter where you start from, your destination will always be her. And only her."

"That I know," he replied with a smile. "I just need to stop letting the past fears get to me."

She gestured to him saying, "Then hop along and go home!"