Re:Zero Kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu

Volume 4, Chapter 83 [Mutual Confessions]

Sensing the prickling pressure on his skin, Subaru understood that his statements had just touched the core of Roswaal’s intentions.

Roswaal’s smile was now the same smile that he had given before being devoured by the Great Rabbit in the snow as he revealed a portion of his plans.

It was an expression of neither resignation nor delight, one which only exacerbated the alarms in Subaru’s heart.

[Roswaal: No~~w what gave you that idea?]

Late as it was, Roswaal’s obfuscation indicated that he had no intention of moving the conversation forward. At this, Subaru clicked his tongue with [Even if you say that],

[Subaru: There was just something off about the way you turned down my suggestion just now. When you stick a condition like “The Sanctuary must be liberated” right at the very top, of course I’m gonna suspect something]

[Roswaal: But I’ve already given you a very logical e~~xplanation? Besides, for the sake of our future cooperation, some proof is necessary. That you can become Emilia-sama’s unfailing support―― that you can always provide her with the optimal solutions at her side: That is what I want you to convince me of. The requirement for this is liberating the Sanctuary]

[Subaru: But that doesn’t sound like it has to be liberation. Any other method of escaping should be fine? If you want to give me a chance to prove myself, you can set up plenty of those later……]

[Roswaal: Let me ask you something]

In rebuttal to Subaru’s insistence, Roswaal raised a single finger. Cut off mid-sentence, Subaru fell silent as Roswaal gave a calm, collected nod,

[Roswaal: You are the o~~ne who seems awfully preo~~ccupied about the Trials? It’s almost as if there is a reason you don’t want the Sanctuary to be liberated?]

[Subaru: Of course I want it liberated! I want to get this Barrier opened as soon as possible and move the problems we can’t solve in here outside…… but]

[Roswaal: But?]

Rambling before he knew it, Subaru realized he was playing right into Roswaal’s hands. If he starts shouting and blurting out words without thinking, this game of deception will go to Roswaal.

As calmly as he could, Subaru picked his words:

[Subaru: I don’t want to see Emilia’s heart wounded from challenging the Trials]

[Roswaal: But isn’t that what your Authority is for? Should Emilia-sama stumble in the Trials, you can always take her place. What is the problem? The important thing is that the Sanctuary is liberated, you said so yourself]

[Subaru: Nh, gh……]

Caught off-guard by his own words, Subaru bit his lip, searching for something to say. But asserting nonsense on top of nonsense wouldn’t lead to any sensible response.

[Subaru: Of course I know it doesn’t matter whether it’s me or Emilia who clears the Trials. Digging up the wounds of her past is too painful for Emilia. I know I should be doing it in her stead…… it’s just…]

[Roswaal: Please don’t tell me you are looking for a way out because the Trials are too pa~~inful for you too?]

Roswaal’s gaze harshened, as his words grew in sharpness.

To the stumped Subaru, [No, no], he continued,

[Roswaal: To save yourself, to cower from the pain…… if that is the reason you are searching for another way out, is that all that your feelings for Emilia-sama amo~~unts to?]

[Subaru: That’s not……!]

[Roswaal: It’s not? Truly? How can you possibly say that? Who would believe it? If you care about Emilia-sama, shouldn’t you swallow down all the pain, the suffering, and the agony? If you love Emilia-sama, surely you must be ca~~pable of this? If you hold Emilia-sama dearer than anything else, if you prioritize Emilia-sama above anything else, if you regard everything besides Emilia-sama as minuscule existences and place Emilia-sama higher than anything else…… surely, there shouldn’t be any problems?]

Roswaal’s fluent and irrefutable speech was on the verge of engulfing Subaru.

Although Roswaal’s words were the very definition of extreme, anyone who understands Subaru’s Return by Death would likely reach the same conclusion.

If this was before Satella brought out his true feelings at the tea party, Subaru would probably have found himself agreeing with this logic.

――Yeah, that must’ve been it.

Subaru had wanted to declare to Roswaal that he would never be like him and sacrifice everything for the one thing most important to him.

But, if he had taken Echidona’s hand at the tea party, right now Subaru would probably be living exactly the way Roswaal wanted him to.

Abandoning thought, eliminating choice, seeking only the results, scorning absolutely everything else.

No matter how much he gets hurt, so long as Emilia and everyone else are smiling in the desired future ahead, then it’s fine. That was what he thought.

But would Natsuki Subaru, after opting to withstand that suffering, be able to smile alongside them at the very end?

――Or would he only manage something forced and barren, out of a sense of obligation to smile?

[Subaru: ……In a sense, what you’re saying is right, Roswaal]

[Roswaal: In a sense?]

Narrowing his single eye, Roswaal tilted his head at Subaru’s meaningful reply.

Enduring the gaze of that yellow eye, Subaru spat out the words,

[Subaru: Like you said, if I throw everything away and go forward protecting only Emilia…… I’m guaranteed to be able to save her. But that’s not enough]

[Roswaal: Not enough……]

[Subaru: I will save Emilia. But I won’t be satisfied with only Emilia. Rem, Beatrice, everyone in the Sanctuary, everyone in the Mansion, and everyone who’s helped me in the Capital…… I want to save all of them, all together]

[Roswaal: ――――]

[Subaru: Your lifestyle of being satisfied with only one person just doesn’t work for me. Honestly, I’m not sure if it’s me or you who’s greedy here]

Consistently longing for a single person and abandoning everything for that one person is, in a way, beautiful.

One could even say that there is no nobler pursuit than to live by that kind of love.

Perhaps Roswaal’s way is just one man’s ideals taken to the extremes.

But to really do so requires unparalleled resolve. Scouring his soul and casting away everything but the one most precious to him wasn’t a lifestyle Subaru could live by.

Just as always, Subaru was far too petty―― like a selfish little child.

[Roswaal: ……I~~t seems it still wasn’t enough to sharpen your reso~~lve]

[Subaru: …………]

[Roswaal: For a moment…… yes, for just a moment, I had hopes. Tha~~t I might live to see my desired future. But…… it seems that is no~~t to be]

Roswaal shook his head, voicing this lament.

Their exchange had revealed to Roswaal that Subaru still lacked the resolve he wanted from him.

Compared to the unfeeling, all-conquering Subaru Roswaal expected him to be, the current Subaru was only an unsatisfactory failure. At the same time, to Roswaal, this meant nothing less than seeing the endpoint of his own life.

[Roswaal: Just how many times…… are you going to disappo~~int me?]

[Subaru: If that’s how you feel, then you could be a little more cooperative with me. If you were more open to lending me a hand, most of our problems could be solved by now]

Subaru threw back this disdainful comment at the disappointed Roswaal.

The truth is, being hopelessly lacking in the combat department, Subaru desperately needed Roswaal’s strength. His incredible magic that rained fire on the Mabeasts’ forest and his unerring techniques that slaughtered the rushing Rabbits―― countering the Great Rabbit’s threat would be impossible without Roswaal’s help.

Conversely, if Subaru could secure Roswaal’s assistance, that alone would solve the greater part of the Sanctuary’s problems.

However, Roswaal shook his head to Subaru’s cheap yet ardent request,

[Roswaal: Sorry, but I cannot. Working with you as you currently are would be fa~~r too disadvantageous for me. Hypothetically…… yes, let’s hypothetically say that I assist you, and you overcome this situation. Your resolve will remain uncertain, and you and Emilia-sama will undoubtedly encounter other obstacles in the future…… will you also rely on me then? You would postpone confirming the resolve that you should have made here just so you could dither when you fall into the same irreparable situation again?]

[Subaru: …………]

[Roswaal: You see, Subaru-kun, I…… cannot give my assistance unless it is to someone with whom I can entrust my goals. A relationship of dependence is not what I need for my purposes. And so I want you to do what you can to convince me that you have the resolve to go forward]

[Subaru: Your… goals……]

[Roswaal: Regrettably, it would seem that this time it will go unfulfilled. I will have to place my hopes on next time. When you can truly and unquestionably accept your power]

Ending his words there, Roswaal’s body laid down onto its side as if having lost its strength.

For Roswaal, his present self had already lost any reason to live. All that was left to do was to watch Subaru fail and rewind, bringing about the ending of this world.

If the conversation ended here, Subaru would not have achieved a single thing he came for.

As he watched Roswaal withdrawing into himself, waving his hand urging him to leave the room, Subaru desperately forced his mind to think,

[Subaru: ……So what would I have to demonstrate to convince you of my resolve?]

[Roswaal: Hhm…… honestly, I had hoped you’d have already figured it out from our interactions u~~p to now. Rewinding so many times just to ask that really is a waste of effort]

Drawn by Subaru’s words, Roswaal sat up once more and held a hand to his chin,

[Roswaal: In short, liberating the Sanctuary will achieve that. Your actions are indispensable to the Sanctuary’s liberation, and you will need to possess the unwavering resolve to repeat as many times as necessary. The liberation of the Sanctuary itself will be proof of that resolve]

[Subaru: But why is that? Sure, that might be the closest to an answer if there is one, but…… if it’s just overcoming the Trials, what does that have to do with my resolve to cast everything else aside? I mean, there’s also a chance Emilia could just pass the Trials on her own and……]

[Roswaal: There is none]

Finding Roswaal’s statements a bit too extreme, Subaru immediately voiced his doubts. But, Roswaal’s response was cold and cutting.

The sharpness of it daunted Subaru, while Roswaal wagged his finger,

[Roswaal: Your fleeting hopes will not come to fruition. Emilia-sama will ne~~ver overcome the Trials. That thing is too weak at heart]

[Subaru: ……That… thing?]

[Roswaal: Precisely. I’m sure part of it has to do with its upbringing and the habits it had grown accustomed to, but that thing is useless. It can’t even stand by itself, just like a weak, brittle little child. Watching the way she pushes herself out of guilt and remorse, it’s so admirable I even feel some pity]

Hearing Roswaal speak of Emilia in a way he had never heard him before, Subaru was at a loss for words.

Courageous, tenacious, kind-hearted, eager Emilia, temporarily caught by an ill twist of fate and unable to resolve her Trials, would surely overcome it and liberate the Sanctuary with her own strength if only she was given time. Subaru never doubted this.

The only reason Subaru wanted to take the Trials in her stead was that they had no time, and that Subaru couldn’t bear to see Emilia hurt.

It certainly wasn’t because he had given up on her or thought her incapable of passing the Trials.

[Subaru: How could you say… that Emilia can’t…… then why, then why did you bring her here!?]

[Roswaal: Because of you. Because you are here, even a weak, powerless half-elf could aspire to the throne. No, she will take the throne. That is certain. Because you will remove all other paths and ensure that her desires are realized. That is the power vested in you. If Emilia-sama has any value, it is that she holds the strongest card―― you, in hand]

[Subaru: I’m…… the strongest, card……?]

Listening to Roswaal’s dizzying statements, calling him the “strongest”, that outlandish claim threw Subaru into disarray.

That was an adjective completely foreign to his powerless self. Besides, to insult Emilia as Roswaal just did was unforgivable.

[Subaru: Are you kidding!? What would you…… what would you know about how hard Emilia tried, what kind of thoughts went through her head, and how much she suffered challenging the Trials!? Being forced to witness a past she didn’t want to see, still, she…… do you know how desperately she tried!? And yet, you……!]

[Roswaal: If it all comes to nothing, then it is only wasted effort. I’m sure you know far be~~tter than I that it all came to no~~thing. If Emilia-sama’s efforts bore fruit, you would have had no reason to co~~me here]

[Subaru: ――――hk!]

Subaru’s shouted rebuttal did not make the slightest dent in Roswaal’s composure. Instead, as if doused by cold water in the heat of passion, Subaru fell utterly speechless.

In fact, Roswaal’s statements captured a portion of the truth.

As far as Subaru had seen, Emilia had never progressed beyond the first Trial. Despite challenging with everything she had, each time she was thwarted by the barricade of her past her heart was worn a little thinner.

Unable to rely on her trusted Puck as she was abraded down to her core, Emilia eventually came to mistake her dependence on Subaru for love, and broke.

Because he knew that future, Subaru couldn’t refute Roswaal out of emotion here. But, there was no way he could just quietly watch as Roswaal insulted Emilia.

Roswaal, looking down on Emilia while expecting far too much of Subaru’s Return by Death, was there some way to wipe that smug look off his face? ――The moment he thought of it, Subaru shouted it out,

[Subaru: Yeah I get what you’re saying now! But you know what!? Nothing will come of your plans!]

[Roswaal: Oh? And why is……]

[Subaru: You seem to be hoping I’d take Emilia’s place and break through the Trials…… but Echidona’s already revoked my qualifications! The outcomes you were hoping for won’t be coming from me! Too bad, isn’t it――!!]

Clutching his chest, Subaru screamed at Roswaal’s composed face.

It was a painful affair for Subaru himself, but what it meant for Roswaal’s plans must be simply devastating. Knowing that it’d be impossible even for Roswaal to keep calm once he learned this, Subaru was about to curl his face into a twisted smile, when,

[Roswaal: ――Revoked…… your qualifications?]

Hearing a mutter, desolate and feeble, it was only moments later that Subaru realized it had come from Roswaal.

Before his eyes, Roswaal’s body sank into the bed, frozen rigid. Both his mismatched eyes were now wide open, staring at Subaru, while his lips faintly quivered.

His usual self-assured attitude, that detached, all-knowing air, and that incorporeal queerness――had all peeled away.

[Roswaal: What… could it mean……]

[Subaru: What could it? ……It means what it means]

Called by that faltering voice, Subaru unwittingly answered in a shaken voice of his own.

Pressured by a voice that sounded nothing like the Roswaal he knew, Subaru swallowed his saliva to slightly moisten his parched throat,

[Subaru: Echidona… she disqualified me. Forget the command authority over the replicants, even stepping into the Tomb sends my head reeling. ……I’m in the same boat as you now, can’t go in even if I try]

[Roswaal: Why, did…… no… how could this be…… You, taking the Trials of the Tomb…… otherwise, the Sanctuary’s liberation… and her wish……]

Holding a hand to his lips, Roswaal let out this hollow mutter with a look of disbelief.

Seeing this unexpectedly intense reaction, Subaru was at a loss for words as he realized that his revelation went further than exacting revenge. Not just in this series of loops, but from the day they met, this was the first time Subaru had ever seen Roswaal panic. Just which part of his words could have shocked him to this degree?

However, Subaru only swallowed a breath, and,

[Subaru: In your Gospel… does it say that I will overcome the Trials?]

[Roswaal: ――――]

[Subaru: I know that if things don’t follow the Gospel’s writ, you’ll be ready to give up on everything. But if you’ve decided that breaking through the Trials is my job…… that won’t be happening now]

Like how his victory over the First Trial carried over, and how the Witches seem to share his memories across Return by Deaths, the Citadel of the Witch of Greed lies beyond the rules of this world.

Even if he Returned by Death, the memories of their exchanges in the Citadel would not fade. That was why he felt saved in that place, and why he held more than a little fondness for Echidona. ――And that was why, he knew.

That even if he died and returned to the Tomb, his qualifications would not be restored.

He would need Echidona’s permission to regain them, but to receive Echidona’s permission, he would need to enter the Tomb, yet to enter the Tomb, he would need the qualifications.

――In short, Subaru had completely lost any means of challenging the Trials.

[Roswaal: Is there… a way you could regain the qualifications……]

[Subaru: If there is one, you’d know better than me. If you’re saying you don’t know, then how could I know]

While answering Roswaal’s faint whisper, internally, Subaru noticed a possibility.

Chances were, Echidona would be watching Subaru’s struggles this very moment from inside the Tomb. As if sulking after Subaru rejected her hand, she must be waiting to see what he could do by taking Satella’s.

If that path winds up riddled with failures, and at last he relents and comes back crying to the Witch he had rejected, perhaps Echidona would offer him her hand once more.

――But, if he took Echidona’s hand then, it would mean throwing away every word he had said to Satella, as well as every feeling his heart harbored at this moment.

He would have delivered Emilia to the optimal future in the end.

Even if it was only that, it’d have been better than scattering into a thousand pieces halfway.

[Roswaal: If you rewind the world, can you return to a time before your qualifications were revoked……?]

[Subaru: You seem to be misunderstanding something, my power isn’t omnipotent. It’s not like I can just return whenever I want with no price to be paid…… besides, the point I go back to will be too late. If I return, it’ll be after it’s been revoked. I still won’t be able to enter the Tomb]

[Roswaal: I, see……]

Roswaal’s voice as he replied was weak, and his visage seemed to have aged all in a single moment.

Roswaal had always carried a certain youthfulness about him such that it was almost impossible to discern his age. But now, with his shoulders drooping, even that was gone.

It was the anguished expression of a man who had clung to a delusion for a long, long time, only to be thwarted by something beyond his reach.

Beneath the clown’s makeup, for the first time, Subaru managed to feel that Roswaal was something of a fellow human.

But this fact did not solve anything, no matter how much Roswaal might wish otherwise.

[Subaru: I’m just as lost as you are, Roswaal. But if we work together and talk this over, I’m sure we could come up with a solution]

[Roswaal: ――――]

[Subaru: It might be pretty hard to get things the way your Gospel described, but the writ doesn’t have to be the end of everything. As long as it largely matches…… maybe you don’t agree, but if we just find some way around it……]

[Roswaal: ……not enough]

[Subaru: ――huh?]

Subaru tried to find some kind of compromise and make Roswaal concede. But, with eyes so hollow that he might as well not have heard a single word Subaru was saying, Roswaal murmured something. Inadvertently opening his mouth as he heard this, Subaru took a step forward.

What did Roswaal say just now? Did he mishear him?

And, inching closer, Roswaal’s whisper slid into his ears.

[Roswaal: ――All the ways I tried to corner you, were they still not enough?]

[Subaru: What?]

[Roswaal: I don’t know the circumstances, but if Echidona went back on her decision, you and her must have had a befitting exchange. I was supposed to have steeled your resolve to challenge the Trials before such a rift could have opened between you…… I didn’t succeed]

[Subaru: ――――]

[Roswaal: If I had cornered you further…… made you realize that if you tried to reach for everything, you will lose what’s most important to you…… then this wouldn’t……]

[Subaru: Wait, Roswaal. Wait]

What was he trying to say? Though Subaru had the feeling that it would be something decisive and he absolutely needed to hear it, for some reason he was hesitating.

Because, if he kept listening, he would no longer be able to stand here.

He was sure of it.

Or rather, he had already suspected something along these lines for a very long time.

Yet those confounding suspicions never materialized because Subaru was stuck on the idea that Roswaal would have no reason to do this, as well as the thin but present trust that he had in him.

But the words Roswaal was about to say would sever that once and for all.

Before this happens, he must say something. But no matter how hard he searched inside him, Subaru could not find the words, while time passed on,

[Roswaal: Summoning you and Emilia to the Sanctuary, knowing Garfiel’s disposition…]

[Subaru: ――――]

[Roswaal: Forcing Emilia-sama to challenge the Trials, knowing its horrors, so that her wounds would spur you to action……]

[Subaru: Wait, please wait. Wa――]

And――

[Roswaal: Showing you that you will inevitably lose those you cherish in a place beyond your reach, and by doing so, perfect you…… all of that, all of that was still not enough]

――with this, Roswaal had just confessed to pulling the trigger on the tragedies in the Mansion.

-=Chapter 83 End=-