The Abandoned Empress

“Don’t you still realize it? In the end you and I were used by him. You served him while you were alive, and I was a tool to hurt you which I hated so much. Besides, what he realized belatedly was not that he loved you, but that he wanted a competent woman like you and the support of your family.”

“Hmm. So what? ”

“You still don’t get it? In other words, he said he loved me so much, then he changed his mind after four years. He was a very selfish man, who became almost crazy after pursuing the traces of a woman who was gone.”

I sighed.

‘Was he really that type of person?’

Even if I didn’t hear more, I seemed to know how he and Jiun in the past had ended. He couldn’t give or receive love properly, while Jiun received love and couldn’t give it back.

The two were so selfish.

I smiled bitterly when she spat out abusive words about the old him when she didn’t even realize how she was back then. I felt so much better, but at the same time I felt bitter when she said that he pursued the traces of my love, so much so that he became almost crazy. Did he want me so much when I was gone when he didn’t care a bit about me when I wanted his love so much?

I was surprised. When she asked me if I was curious, I was agitated and nervous, but after hearing from her about his past, I felt calm, to my surprise. I wasn’t angry, vexed or resentful.

I wasn’t happy or sad when I realized that he, who I loved so much, wanted me belatedly. I only felt bitter about it.

“… knew that he was a selfish person. I know he wasn’t good, but…”

“But what?”

“You are as selfish as him, aren’t you? You were no different from him, and even now you’re the same.”

“What the heck are you talking about?”

“I understand that he was such a mean person in the past. But now he is different. Don’t you get it? The place you live in now is not the place in the past anymore.”

“No, it ‘s the same. And he is the same person. ”

I had mixed feelings. If I hadn’t run to my father, blindfolded by passion, after I came back, if I had acted carefully like I did before, if I had pursued something without appreciating the preciousness of people around me like I did in the past, I would certainly have been like Jiun as she was now.

“Do you really think it’s the same? Do you think the present you have experienced for the past one year after returning is really the same as the past? Maybe you don’t want to admit it, but you know that they are different. ”

“No, it’s the same to me! Same! ”

“Good. Let’s assume you are living in the same place as before. If so, won’t you become unhappy again in the end even if you became the empress? Why are you so obsessed? What would you do if your current life ends unfortunately like it did in the past? Will you come back again? ”

“… ”

“You now look like a whining child who wants to be rewarded by somebody. But remember that you are barking up the wrong tree.”

“…Don’t be ridiculous.”

As if she was at a loss for a moment, she said, gnashing her teeth, “You’re just rationalizing by saying that it’s different because you just want to love him again.”

“Rationalizing?”

“Yes. He raped you, aborted your baby, killed your father and your family dependents, ruined your family, and finally killed you. Isn’t it normal for you to hate him so much and get even with him? Are you crazy?”

She was right. I, too, thought about what he had done to me in the past.

At first, I didn’t want to lose my father’s love that I realized only after returning, so I couldn’t even dream of getting even with him. When I realized that he was different from the old him, I tried to clear my mind as much as possible. I was so upset about him, who couldn’t remember anything, but I decided not to repeat the pain of the past, caught up in that memory.

When Jiun asked like that as if she couldn’t understand me at all, I replied after some angst, “… At the time, I didn’t value anybody including my father and family dependents. Even my father was not important to me at that time. The crown prince was the only person that was precious to me.”

“So?”

“Even when he raped me, I wasn’t scared. I felt sad at the fact that he had sex with me though he never loved me. I wanted him to be more friendly, but I felt heartbroken when he turned heartless after he was done. Even when I realized that I lost a baby, or when I realized that I could not be pregnant again, I just felt sad at the fact that I could never get his attention again, but I never hated him before I realized my father’s love, who I thought was never precious to me.”

“Oh my… You are really crazy. ”

“Maybe. But now it’s all different. I’m different, and he is different, too.”

I took a deep breath. Then, I continued to speak slowly to her, who looked at me as if I was absurd.

“After returning, I realized for the first time how precious my father, family dependents and so many people around me were.”

“Don’t chop logic! If that’s the case, isn’t it more logical not to love him again? You should have avenged him for your precious people, right?”

“Why should I do that? Why should we take revenge on him for my father and friends because of uncertain things that haven’t happened yet and for the people in the past that didn’t matter to me? Moreover, he knows nothing about the past. Based on your logic, do I have to punish him for something he hasn’t done to me at all for the reason that he might do so?”

“Are you crazy? The two are the same person!”

“No, you’re wrong. Just as I am not the old me, the people around me are different from the past. So is he. ”

Releasing her folded arms, she said with a laugh.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Human nature does not change so easily. You just want to look at the positive side of him. He may be kind to you, but will he be the same after he doesn’t love you anymore? How can you be reassured that he won’t reveal his true colors then?”

“I believe he won’t repeat what he has done to me in the past.”

“How can you be so sure?”

Looking at her sparkling black eyes, I said with confidence, “Because I have changed.”

“What?”

“You said it many times that I was pushed around, and that you were disappointed because I was different from the old me, right? If the nature of a person doesn’t change as you say, shouldn’t I still look like the old me? If I don’t, human nature also changes, right? Well, is it possible for human nature to exist from the beginning?”

“Don’t beat your gums! It’s sophistry. And don’t act as if you realized everything. Although you claim that the past and the present are different, the truth is that you don’t believe it yourself.

That’s why you are rejecting him so much. ”

“…What?”

“Am I wrong? I won’t change my mind whatever you say. So, stay away from him, Tia. Don’t swagger when you are scared about repeating your past life.”

Only

She turned her mouth up slightly and left the parlor.

I pressed my stinging forehead tightly. Her final words kept lingering in her head.

Really, why did I do that? Obviously, I thought that my present was different from my past.

Then, why did I try to avoid my past unconditionally, thinking I shouldn’t walk the same path as the past?

I was confused. I’ve thought that preventing the repetition of my past life was the way to work out my fate, but was it right?

Has my fate already been worked out? Obviously, my past and the present already changed a lot, but wasn’t I caught up in the obsession that I should change more? So, wasn’t I obsessed with making things different from the past because of that? Like I said one day, I might have tried to hide under a shade to shake off the shadows of my past in spite of myself? The shadow is only invisible for a moment, and it doesn’t disappear by hiding there.

If so, don’t I have to avoid him blindly just because I don’t want to repeat the past?

I suddenly shook my head at the thought that crossed my mind, when I turned my head in surprise as someone touched my shoulder.