The Abandoned Empress

<I didn’t ask you for a quick reply. I just wanted to tell you that as there was still a lot of time left, you should not make a quick decision. So… can’t you stop avoiding me from now on?>

When I received the tiara as a gift, I was very confused. I was not sure if the person who gave me hope that my frozen heart might be able to revive was the old him or the current him. While I was on the horns of a dilemma, I thought I’d just hold out until Jiun came. In the end, when I ran into him after avoiding him for almost six months, he said casually with a sigh, watching me not even being able to make eye contact with him, <Do you think I’ll be angry at you because you borrowed the power of the temple?>

When I was ambushed the first time, I told him, who rushed to me to inquire about my safety, that I was sorry for borrowing the power of the temple although I knew he shunned the temple. At that time, I thought he would be angry at the fact that I, as his fiancee, relied on the power of the temple instead of being wary. So, I apologized to him rather than thanking him when I heard that it was he who dispatched the royal knights for my security.

<I can tell you, swearing on my name, that I won’t force you to do what you do not want. I will never forcibly make you my woman if there is no change in your attitude one year from now. So, please hang in there and don’t avoid me.>

When I learned that Jiun also returned, I realized that all the plans I had made were useless.

It was the crown prince alone who reached out to me when I spaced out, watching the late emperor who proposed making me the empress while taking Jiun as the crown prince’s concubine, a notion that was also supported by the noble faction. He told me he was sorry because he could not help, then promised me trembling with fear that he would protect me, abandoning the support of the noble faction that he could get easily.

But I didn’t make allowances for his consideration back then. I doubted him, endlessly comparing him with the old him. When he prepared all kinds of food to sound out my preference, I even asked him why he didn’t want to go to Jiun. He told me with a sigh that he already gave his heart to me, so he could not share it with her.

Nonetheless, I didn’t trust him. Rather I hated him, complaining that if he had been so considerate and kind to me in the past, I would not have felt bitter like this.

<Aristia, I’m not going to ask you to stay by my side, but can you give me a chance?>

On the day when I went to see him, wearing the dress that Carsein gave me as a gift, he told me, hiding his wounded feelings, that he wanted me to give him a little more opportunity. He could have taken me as his wife if he issued an order, but he made the request instead.

When I asked him why he took pains to win over my heart, he told me that he didn’t want me to carry out my duty as his fiancee. He said he just wanted to win over my heart genuinely as a man who had his heart set on me, then he said he apologized to me. With much more gloomy expression than mine, he said he knew I was shunning him.

“Come to your senses! You should not fall unconscious!”

“…”

“Aristia!”

I opened my heavy eyelids at his repeated calling. Something blue flickered in my blurred vision. I felt a sharp pain just a little while ago, but I didn’t feel it any more as my body was so weak.

I felt as if the world that had been spinning round in my head and suddenly sunk into the ground, just like the day when I lost his mind in his arms, dancing with him without knowing I was poisoned.

<Please break off your engagement with me.>

He kept expressing his affection for me when my life hung by a thread because of the poison, when I barely got up and asked to meet him. He revealed secrets and his inner feelings to me, which he had never told anybody. He told me about his feelings of inferiority as a child without any hesitation, and he even revealed the secret of his pedigree to me, which could be his greatest weakness. He showed his great trust in me by revealing such secrets, which was quite meaningful for a man like him who should be on alert and wary of people around him all the time.

Nevertheless, I doubted him. I never trusted him. It was because of my deep-rooted disbelief that I immediately asked for the breakoff of our engagement when I heard I was an infertile woman. It was only my poor excuses that I cited the political situation as the reason for my request. I was just so preoccupied with comforting myself that I again hurt him so much.

<As the 52nd head of the Monique family in the future, I, Aristia Pioneer la Monique, would like to fulfill my long-standing covenant with the imperial family.>

Even though I pushed him away so hard, he kept opening his heart to me. Despite the strong objection of the noble faction, he opened the royal hunting grounds for me to hold a coming-of-age ceremony there. He expressed his love by sending me an Orgel box. He made sure the High Priest would give me blessings on a regular basis. He made a deal with Grace so I wouldn’t be ignored in social circles. And he watched me silently without letting me know.

But I tried to take an oath of blood just like my family used to, and he eventually exploded emotionally. He rejected the Monique family’s oath for the first time in the imperial history of nearly a thousand years. His deep anger like an active volcano hidden in his cold and rational mind scared me, and his deep kiss that I experienced for the first time in my life blinded me to the reality for a moment. I was often swayed by his repeated show of kindness. I was distressed but happy when he told me he would not care even if I could not give birth to his successor.

<I hear that everybody will become mellow over time.>

Nonetheless, I couldn’t take a step forward in that direction. Even though I knew that he was a completely different man from the past, even though I realized that the nightmare of my past would never repeat itself, even though I knew that he loved me so much. Even though I knew that as the emperor with more pride than anybody else, he loved me so much that he was willing to give up everything for my love, I didn’t accept his love because I didn’t want to be abandoned again by him.

So, I kept saying sorry to him, even when he came running to save me a moment ago without caring about his broken pride.

“Your Majesty…”

Breathing out roughly, I barely spoke. I opened my eyes because I wanted to see his face, but I couldn’t see anything in my blurred eyes. Even if I tried to lift my arm as much as I could to feel his warmth, I could not. I only heard his trembling voice.

“You can’t see me?”

“Oh my…”

“Doctor! Bring the royal doctor here!”

“The Imperial Palace!”

Only

Even if I wanted to reply, I could not say anything other than breathe out roughly.

I heard the sound of someone hastily sitting down at his urgent calling, and his desperate reply.

“… Sorry, Your Majesty. Please punish me!”

“Shut up! How can you make such irresponsible remarks? Save her right now! Make her come to her senses until the high priest arrives.”

“I’m so sorry…”

“When is the high priest coming? Bring him here right now. Go and get him here right away! Any one of the three high priests will do. So, bring one of them here now!”

Shouting at the royal doctor like crazy, he hugged me tight. I could feel his warmth and trembling feebly, even though my body was almost numb.